


Growing Pains re-write

by Malia_C_Quintro



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drama & Romance, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-07 09:32:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6798475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malia_C_Quintro/pseuds/Malia_C_Quintro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim crashed and crumbled with the sudden force. He melted with the sudden strong warmth of the grip on his arms, intoxicated by the scent of the faintest hints of cologne and plant soil Jim could have fainted. He knew who the being was as soon as he caught him from falling, and so Jim froze. </p><p>(Sorry guys all the chapters are gumbled up in the old one so im just gonna re-upload everything)</p><p>* Major editing and new chapters uploaded!!! *</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beautiful Solo

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry to anyone who had started reading this but the whole story was a mess and so i just started rewriting it and here it is now. So everything in the right order now and theres new chapters and a whole lot more information so advise you re-read the story. Thank you!

"Dammit Jim! I can't, I won't watch you die like this! That damn green blooded hobgoblin is killing you Jimmy And I don't want to see you hurt like this anymore!"

Bones eyes were red from fighting the threatening tears, he glared at Jim pacing the room. The blonde stood there trying to calm him dowm but with every touch, Bones revolted like it was acid upon his skin. Jim's lips quivered as tears continued to stream down his face and he reached out for McCoy's sleeve.

"Leonard please...I -" Bones ripped his sleeve from the blondes grasp.

"Jimmy for Gods sake open your eyes man! He's a Vulcan!"

"Half! He's half Vulcan Bones!"

"Fine then, half. But it don't make a difference Jim. He's not like us, he is completely incapable of human emotions! Which is why I can't understand why you continue this- This torment!?"

"Because I love him!"

Bones stared at Kirk. His hands were shaking balled into fists at his sides. His eyes were red from crying, cheeks wet with tears, eyes filled with so much passion accompanying those words— he turned away. The look in Kirk's eyes was a slap to the face and a burning reminder of his betrayal.

"I love him Leonard..." Bones watched his lover slide down to the floor against the wall. The doctor ran a nervous hand through his hair and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Jim, no...after everything..."

"Leo...I love you. But Spock...I can't, I- I am so sorry..."

Bones frowned quickly rubbing a hand down his face. He placed his hands on his hips looking down on the floor a skeptical look plastered upon his face.

"So that's it? You've made your decision?" Jim whimpered putting his head in between his knees, and nodded.

"Dammit all...theres nothing I wouldn't do for you Jimbo but I won't stand by as you kill yourself waiting for that damn elf to even glance your way!"

The room went silent, the only noise being the trembling sobs and occasional hiccups from the blonde. Bones paused seeing just how broken the other man was. Jim sat clutching his head between his knees, trembling fingers pulling at his hair. Bones took the few steps across the room to settle down beside the shaking man. His arm wrapped around trembling shoulders, it tore him apart to see Jim in such a weak state -but he still loved him.

Leonard lifted Jim's face tilting his head to kiss the younger man. Curious blue eyes gazed at hazel orbs and the doctor sighed.

"Dammit Jim...I could never leave you alone. I'm the one who's always gonna be here to pick up the pieces... even when there ain't no pieces to be picked..."

Jim looked up at the other man all the pain, hope and love pouring from his eyes. Bones melted and without hesitation he ravaged the blondes mouth with his own. Heated kisses and gasps echoed in the room. The doctor ran his skilled hands down Kirk's smooth tanned skin pressing opened mouth kisses along his jaw and down his neck.

Kirk gasped falling down with Leonard's body over him the carpet beneath scratchy and prickly, thier clothes had come off with the desperate need to feel eachothers skin and were now in a messy heap around them.

"Le -Leonard...H- ahh..."

The captain moaned as the doctor ground his hips into the blondes erection to elicit a groan from the pair. Bones trailed light delicate touches of his fingers down Kirk's arms taking his hands to hold them above his head. He kissed at the captains bare chest stopping to nip and suck on hard pink nipples. Jim writhed beanth him, Bones smirked at how sensitive the flamboyant egotistical captain was.

The doctors mind escaped to the memories of thier academy days when they shared a dorm. How their relationship had started after a night from drinking too much and strip poker. The stolen kisses in the halls, secretly holding hands beneath the tables, and the look they would send eachother. A plain simple stare, but the message flew clear across the room, that those blue eyes only shined for him. The doctor would smile as he noticed the flutter of delecate blonde lashes from the corner of his eye. The flush that would spread across his face as he gazed into loving crystal blue orbs.

He smiled as the memories invaded his mind and the tears flowed in steady streams. Bones gazed down at the body before him, and it was a specimen of true beauty. Tanned skin beneath his fingers, well toned muscles down his torso, a thin sheet of sweat glossed the skin like a golden sunset. He thrust his hips forward sending kirks head rolling back, gasping for air, moaning as again and again Leonard thrust in a slow rhythm. He brought his hands to the curve of Jim's lower back, the blondes arms instinctively wrapped around his neck as the doctor pulled him up. They groaned with the sudden movement, the intense friction from being pushed deeper as the younger man sat in his lap.

Jim wanted to forget. He wanted to forget the argument that happened, to change the outcome of this day and take back all the things he said. He wanted his relationship with Leonard, thier friendship and little silly fights. Warm summer nights in Iowa beneath the stars, Bones metaphors, painful hypos, and these skilled surgeon hands running down his body like his life depended on it.

The captain ground his hips forward kissing the doctor hungrily. Sloppy wet kisses and moaning distracted him if only for a second but the captain knew nothing would ever be the same. Leonard came up with his thrust both matching in pace, one hand firlmly digging into his hip while the other came down to pump Jim's swollen member. Blue eyes shot open nearly choking from the extensive wave of pleasure, head rolling back digging his nails into the doctors back.

"J- Jim...uh- "

So close, the burning white hot sensation filled his lower abdomen, blue eyes closing and he collapsed into the darkest corners of his own mind. He could feel Leonard getting closer, the head that brushed his prostate with every thrust and growing wetness. He maoned so loud he was almost screaming, begging for release. Then a single image intruded in his mind. Pale green tinted skin, dark black perfectly trimmed hair knotted in his fingers, and those fierce almond eyes dark with a ragging passion. Losing himself in the mental image, he came.

"Sp- Leonard!"

"Jim!"

They fell sweaty and panting over eachother, Kirk could feel the body beneath grow slightly tense. He waited for the anger, waited for the accusations and physical fight but it never came. He almost yelled at the other man in his paranoia when he felt the warmth of a hand rubbing his shoulder tenderly. He was so shocked at the sudden movement, so confused that his lover would not revolt in rage, but rather to shower him with love and compassion. Jim unknowingly sighed and began to cry. Still the doctor continued to rub loving circles on the captains shoulder.

Yes, McCoy heard the undeniable syllables of the Vulcan name but kept quiet. The flaring of his nostrils was almost unnoticed, furrowed brows kneaded in confusion and slight irritation. Then it dawned on him, that complete and undeniable feeling, that overwhelming sensation of envy. He envied the half breed that had stolen his lovers heart and boiled at the core with hate. Jim was radiant, beautiful, and could light up a room with just a smile. It angered Leonard that the stubborn Vulcan would never give Jim a passing glance. The worst was knowing that this unrequited love would undoubtedly kill Jim.

He sat up pulling the crying man with him. Leonard barried his fingers in soft blonde locks, he sniffled trying to calm him self down. He held Jim's head in his hands bringing thier foreheads together for a brief momment and tilted his face to kiss the captain. A sweet and loving kiss they shared and McCoy relished in the warmth of Jims lips. For a moment, even if only for a mere second, Everything was right again. Jim was in his arms, fluttering blonde lashes kissed his cheek bones with butterfly kisses, and delicate nervous shaking fingers tangled within his hair. At that moment Leonard felt complete with one thought floating through his mind.

_'I could turn my back on the world...quit Starfleet...everything would be just fine and we'd go back to Iowa's hot summer nights under the stars...I'd give the world for you Jimmy and it still wouldn't be enough...'_

Jim stood from the floor taking his clothes and walked into the bathroom. He washed his face running his hands through his hair. He looked up into the mirror, the reflection staring back looked as pitiful as he felt. Bones loved him, undoubtedly, but Jim couldnt feel the same. He turned off the water walking out into the sitting area where Bones sat on a couch fully dressed. His hair disheveled, and face still flushed from thier recent love session. Jim sighed as the man sat still on the couch. Pushed forward to the edge of the cushion, arms on his knees and hands clasped tightly together. Jim came to stand in front of the doctor, kneeling down he ran his fingers through the disheveled hair. A forlorn smile graced his face feeling the other man relax and lean into the touch. One last time Jim moved back those unruly cow licked bangs leaning forward to kiss his forehead and moved down to press a loving kiss to Leonard's lips. Then Jim stood and walked across the room to stand at the door. Bones could hear the quivering breathes as they passed Jim's lips. He eyed his every move, watching as trembling fingers hovered above the control panel. For a moment Bones hoped, prayed, that Jim would turn around running into his arms. That he would stand from that leather couch and bask in the warmth and softness of Jim's embrace. But his hopes were all in vein as Jim looked back tears running down his face and spoke.

"D- Don't make me choose... Because I love you both..."

And just like that, he was gone. The familiar swish of the closing doors echoing in the solemn room. Bones stood and crashed. The sudden realization struck hard —thier relationship was over. Everything and anything he found was thrown across the room, shelves of neatly stacked books now scattered the floor pages falling out and fluttering around the room. Standing at the center of the destruction, Leonard barried his head in his hands and cried. Yelling to the ceiling above paying no mind to who could hear his wails. Outside the door stood Kirk, a hand tangled in the golden fabric of his shirt. Tears trailing down his face, leaning againts the wall for support. Head rolling back looking at the ceiling as he silently cried out, he glanced at the door.

"I'm sorry..." Jim pushed off the wall and willed himself to walk away. His hands angrily wiped away his tear stained face, lips still trembling, he paid no attention to where he was going; there was no destination, he just wanted to get away.

Down the endless hall ways of the ship Kirk glided in long strides. He was thankful that the halls were empty, he hadn't crashed into anyone, or rather they kept thier distance it didnt matter. The captain inhaled another shaky breath and continued walking, head held down and hands angrily wiping at the occasional tears.

Jim is James Tiberius Kirk, captain of the U.S.S Enterprise, StarFleets youngest captain, and feared amongst the galaxy as a force to be reckoned with —he was not weak. Jim crashed and crumbled with the sudden force. He melted with the sudden strong warmth of the grip on his arms, intoxicated by the scent of the faintest hints of cologne and plant soil Jim _could_ have fainted. He knew who the being was as soon as _he_ caught him from falling, and so Jim froze. He was shocked beyond compare at being seen in this state by _him_ , and scared because _he_ was the cause of his current dismay.

"Captain?" There it was. The familiar flat tone tickling his ears waking him from his trance. The saliva drying from his mouth leaving him thirsty and swallowing dryly at the lump in the back of his throat. Terrified the captain willed himself to look up at his captor. He stared blankly at the almond eyes searching his body, he opened his mouth to speak but no words came.

The commander could only stare. He felt the trembling of the captains shoulders beneath his fingers, could feel the wave of emotions eminate from Kirk as he watched him try to contain his cries. Since he met Kirk, never had he once emcountered the man in such a state of dispare. The man who smiled an infectious and flirtatious smile, he who radiated joy and a seductive charisma, now stood inches before him crumbled and distraught. He cursed the being that caused this mans sorrow, for no matter how much of a pain the captain could be; Kirk did not deserve the tears that stained his face nor the trembling gasps that escaped his lips. His eyes softened and he squeezed the mans arms reassuringly staring back at those darkened pools of blue.

"Captain...?" Kirks breath hitched as he went still for a mere second. "Ss-... Sspo-... Spock!"

He wailed and fell into the commanders arms clutching tightly to the fabrics of the science blue shirt Spock was wearing. He held Kirk closer, his nose covered by the soft spikes of the blondes hair. Inhaling deeply, his nostrils were filled with the scent of vanilla shampoo and natural musk. Spock relaxed, his Vulcan shields dropped, trying to hold on to the feeling of the familiar warmth he had not felt since he last embraced his mother.

By now people were starring and Spock could feel thier piercing gaze disrupt thier intimate moment and he felt a sudden need to shield Kirk from thier prying eyes. Spock lifted his head to look at the people who had formed around them in the hall and glared such a menacing stare that the ensigns standing by flinched.

"If you value your positions aboard this ship, see to it that you attend to you duties and perform admirably —you are dismissed." As the group walked away Spock brought kirk closer into his chest petting the back of his head. "Come now, let us retire to my quarters Captain."

Kirk was about to protest but stopped as he felt his body being led ahead towards thier destination and just relaxed against Spocks embrace. This was the closest he'd ever been to the Vulcan. Jim knew his chances with Spock were slim, with the percentage of close to nothing. He allowed himself to bask in the warmth of Spock's arms leaning closer into his chest.

Now walking through the room Kirk blushed realizing he had never been in the Vulcan's room before. He looked up from Spock's shoulder gazing around the room. What he saw did not surprise him. The room was neat and very organized, a plant ans a single photo of the crew sat at his nightstand by the bed. It was slightly smaller than his own room, not that it was a problem, after all many of the officers aboard the ship had smaller rooms then thiers and were also joined through the bathroom.

Spock set the captain on the couch leaving to get a spare blanket. Kirk looked up nervously pulling the blanket closer as spock set it around his shoulders.

"Thank you..."

"None is needed Captain. Forgive my praying into your personal affairs, but the lack of emotional self control on your part is alarming — if I may be so inclined, to whom or what caused your despair?" Kirk chuckled, only Spock could turn such a simple question into something so complex.

"Like you said Spock... 'Personal affairs', don't worry about it..." Spock's head tilted slighty raising a qurious brow.

"My father...Once spoke these words to me, 'speak your mind'. I was a child then... Mother had mentioned to my father that it would not only clear my thoughts but would also rationalize my human emotions. In fact again, apon the death of my mother, my father once again spoke these words." Jim gave Spock a weary glance.

"So I guess it worked for you right, otherwise you would've attacked Chekov like you did me on the bridge." Jim had been trying to lighten up the mood but felt sorry when he saw the sad look cross the Vulcans face.

"I knew then lieutenant Chekov was not at fault. For me to have blamed him would have been... illogical. My true anger was not for the lieutenant, but for the Romulan that destroyed my home planet. Had he not disrupted the time frame and crossed over to our timeline, my mother would..."

"And I wouldn't be captain right now... I know it's a little fucked up to say this, but if things didnt happen the way they did I wouldn't be here right now... And I'm sort of glad they did, but I would have never wished for your mother to go like that... I'm sorry—" Spock stood looking away. "Do not be..."

Jim watched as the Vulcan walked away towards the replicator and came back with two cups of tea. Jim gratefully took the cup sipping surprisingly sweet tea. He looked up surprised, Spock innocently sipped his tea. "Thanks Spock." Spock set the tea down on the coffee table sitting besides Jim "You are welcome, Jim." The captain smiled remembering the familiar words in the hospital.

The captain smiled into his tea his eyes glossing over with threatening tears. He could feel the pain in his chest, the painful stabbing ache in his heart as he reminded himself that it was very much likely he had a zero to nothing chance with the Vulcan, even so he allowed himself this moment. A single tear fell from Jim's eye rolling off his cheek and puddled at his hand. There was no guarantee that Spock returned Jim's romantic interests, but in this little moment, the two sitting together in a comfortable silence sipping their teas, though very subtle, was the beginning to somthing as sweet as the luke warm substance in Jim's cup.


	2. A Scene Without

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...he dreamed of a beautiful place. A place of luscious green grass and clear blue skies. Cherry blossom trees and the scent of dirt after it rained blew through the air as it carried away pink petals with every wave. Jim walked up a stone path, he knew where he was going, where the path would lead to, where it would end. He smiled finding his destination, looking down at the figure knealing down to pick a blossom from the pond. Jim's heart fluttered and his smile grew into a wide grin as the figure turned to return a loving a smile.

That night Jim slept in Spock's room. Spock moved to the center of the room in hopes of clearing his rambling thoughts. As he sat, the room echoed with soft whimpers from the blonde curled on the couch and he sighed when the trembling sobs quieted down to soft snoring. Spock didn't bother the captain further after having thier tea, he wasn't one to pry into peoples personsal affairs.

He sat in the center of the room across the sleeping blonde sprawled on the couch trying to meditate. Brows kneaded in deep consintration, sweat trailing down his face, for a Vulcan it was odd, even by his half human standards, Spock almost never broke a sweat. But sitting there now, meditating proved to be a trying task. It only frustrated his distraught mind.

Spock sighed and slumped in his seat. His shoulders hunched over in defeat and he sat crossed legged on the floor. He'd almost forgotten Jim was in the room till he heard the soft snoring again. The commander sat straighter starring at the captain curiously. Jim lay sprawled on the couch, the blanket he gave the captain earlier now on the floor lay forgotten. Spock got on his hands and knees inching his way closer to the sleeping blonde. His curiosity taking over wanting to know what the captain looked like in his sleep. The blondes chest rose softly with each breath, one arm over his head the other hanging loosely off the couch. Spock crawled closer now knealing a step away from the sleeping man. The commander's head tilted curiously looking over the captain, a light green dusting the tips of his ears as he starred at the exposed skin of Jim's abdomen.

Jim twitched and stretched his legs, Spock lowered his gaze catching himself starring and reached down to pick up the blanket on the floor. Bringing up the blanket the commander couldn't control the urge to look at the blonde again. His head tilting again as he glanced down at the tan skin of Jim's stomach leading down to his navel. From this angle Jim really was a specimen of true beauty. The golden blonde hair, the freckles that dusted his face, pretty plump pink lips, and tan skin made Spock swallow dryly.

"Fascinating..."

Jim's lips gave the slightest tug of a smile making the commander wonder if perhaps the captain were awake. He laid out the blanket tucking in the captain around the couch. He pulled the cover to Jim's shoulder and froze as the blonde mumbled in his sleep.

"Spock..."

He flinched dropping the blanket suddenly and sat back away from the couch. Spock wondered if the captain was dreaming about him and glanced down at his hand and back up at the captain. Maybe he could take a look, a quick look wouldn't hurt. After all the captain was asleep. He'd never have to know Spock was in his mind. 'No, I could never... It would be an intrusion on Jim's privacy.' But it was so tempting.

The captain continues to toss and turn in his sleep trying to find a comfortable position on the couch. Spock didn't think as he knealt down picking up Jim's sleeping form, careful not to wake him he paused before he walked him into the bedroom. the commander didn't sleep much anyways, and the captain would sleep better in a bed. Spock slid the covers up to Jim's shoulders turning to walk away. He stopped looking back at the sleeping form in his bed watching the slow steady rise and fall of the blondes breathing before he turned and lowered the lights to walk away.

_Jim's dreams were filled with beautiful dreams that could never be possible he knew, but dreaming was so much better than reality. In his dreams is where he wanted to stay lately. Sleeping became his only escape from the stabbin pain in his chest of the reality outside his dream state._

_There he dreamed of a beautiful place. A place of luscious green grass and clear blue skies. Cherry blossom trees and the scent of dirt after it rained blew through the air as it carried away pink petals with every wave. Jim walked up a stone path, he knew where he was going, where the path would lead to, where it would end. He smiled finding his destination, looking down at the figure knealing down to pick a blossom from the pond. Jim's heart fluttered and his smile grew into a wide grin as the figure turned to return a loving a smile._

_Yes, everynight Jim's dreams lead him to this place. Every night he would return and greet the tall dark figure at the end of the stone path by the pond. It was here that the pain would end, it was here that he felt at home. Just thinking about it, he would die to stay here, in his little sanctuary. The rest of the world could cease to exist, if he could just stay here he would without any doubt. The figure took a couple steps forth reaching his hand out with the flower sitting on his palm_

_"Jim..." The captain came forth reaching out for the flower in the other mans hand._

_"Spock..." Though every night he came here, the conversations always started the same._

_"You look remarkably similar to my James... It is a desolate, yet pleasant surprise to see you..." Jim frowns even though he knows the dialogue to this conversation._

_"What are you talking about Spock? I'm James, I'm always here, always have been!" Spock smiled, his hand came up to delicately stroke Jim's cheek._

_"I lost my Jim long ago, saddly... You are not my James nor I, your Spock." Jim pushed forward hugging his arms around Spock's neck._

_"Then pretend... But I promise I'm right here Spock, I am your Jim..."_

_Spock wrapped his arms around the blonde bringing him closer. He pulled away from Jim taking the blondes face within his hands to kiss the captain. Jim ran his fingers through dark black hair as he felt Spock's tongue slither passed his lips. Jim gasped with each kiss as Spock ravished his face and neck in open mouthed kisses._

_"I... I don't want this to end... I don't want to wake up... Don't let me wake up Spock..." Spock pulled away smiling as Jim whimpered at the loss. He held the blondes chin tilting it to face him._

_"Jim... My James... My T'hy'la... Your Spock awaits you-"_

_"But you're my Spock!" Spock smiled sadly._

_"In another dimension, I am another Jim's Spock... But here, you shall always be my friend Jim. Perhaps someday your Spock will come to his senses and see the not only logical but beneficial outcome of a bond between you both." Jims lips began to quiver before he could cry he felt the familiar warmth of Spocks tongue lick the side of his neck and he tried to bite back a moan._

_"Please don't say... That. The Spock I know- ahh... Will never see me, not the way you look at me..."_

_"Forgive me..." The captains brows kneaded in confusion, he pulled away._

_"Forgive you? Wait why? Forgive you for what? Spock?" Spock smiled sadly._

_"Because it is time for you to go." Jim held on tighter to Spock's shirt, trying to hug him closer. Spock kissed the top of Jim's_ _head. His fingers snaked through the captains fingers placing the forgotten flower in his hand. Jim looked up curiously and Spock smiled sadly._

_"It's time to wake up Jim..."_

Jim gasped sitting abruptly throwing the sheets off the bed. He looked around curiously seeing the neatly organized room and open closet door revealing the perfectly ironed science blue shirts and black pants. The captains eyes went wide, this was not his room.

"Shit! I slept in Spock's room, I better leave before he finds me in here he's going to kill me! And then Bones will kill Spock for killing me, I better go now!"

The frantic blonde slid off the bed putting his boots back on and almost walked out of the bedroom, but somthing caught his eye. He turned around to see next to the bed by the nightstand a sleeping figure sat on a chair. It was Spock, he hadn't noticed the Vulcan in his frantic state. Spock was sleeping peacefully head hanging loosely, arms crossed with a slight green flush to his cheeks made him look almost child like. Jim reached out to touch the commanders perfectly cut bangs when something fell from his hand. He looked down to find the pink delicate petals of a cherry blossom. He covered his mouth shocked reaching down for the flower running from the bedroom before the Vulcan could wake up. He took a quick glance around the living room to see if he had left anything and sighed running outside when the familar swish of the door opening caught his ears.

Jim ran down the corridor stopping when he was far away from the commander's room. He tried to catch his breath leaning back on the wall behind him and looked up to bright lights on the ceiling. He brought out his hand looking down at the flower on his palm. Spock gave him that flower, not his Spock but the other Spock. It happened in the dream, the dream he had every night but nothing like this ever happened. The flower was real, it was there sitting on his hand mocking him in a way and calling him crazy. 'This isn't real...' He thought closing his fingers over the flower. Just then he heard the familiar voice of the cheerful navigator. His Russian accent rolling with every other word. He smiled as he watched the boy wave trying to hold a stack of pads to his chest.

"Good morneeng Keptain! Vat are you doing up zis early!?" Chekov stopped, his smile fading as he noticed the captain looked pale and frightened.

"Keptain, eez ewerything alright?" Jim looked up smiling slightly.

"Y -Ya, everythings good. What do you got there, you look like you could use a hand?" Chekov frowned knowing the captain was hiding something but sighed thankfully as the captain moved to take the pads and shifted his footing .

"Da, z- zank you Kaptain!"

"No problem, looked like you were having trouble with that anyways."

They walked silently for awhile, the silence growing on Chekov's nerves making him turn to curiously look at the captain. His skin still slightly pale, his brow furrowed in deep thought. He wondered what the captain could be thinking about that he'd go completely lost in thought. Chekov cleared his throat nervously trying to get the captains attention. It didn't work, the captain was still walking blindly.

"K -Keptain" Jim blinked and looked at the boy curiously.

"Huh? D -did you say something?"

"Nyet, you zeem lost keptain... Iz ewerything alright?"

Jim blushed at being caught. The dream he had last night was too much and then the flower the other Spock gave him was in his pocket. Nothing made sense and it scared him. 'This is Chekov... Come on, I can tell him... Maybe he won't think I'm crazy... And maybe, just maybe, he won't tell Bones to throw me In the nut house... Ok, here goes nothing...' Jim took a deep breath and started.

"Well... I have these dreams... The same dream everynight for awhile now... But this time, this it was different... I know it sounds crazy but everynight I've had these dreams, same place... Every night the same conversation but different things happen... In different orders... This time was just... I don't know..."

Chekov looked the captain over curiously, he considered his words carefully but really he was at a loss for words. He didn't know how to approach the situation. On the other hand the captain hadn't even told him about the dream, just that it had been strange. He hadn't explained anything. The boy smiled shyly.

"Vell keptain, vhy don't you tell me vaht iz in zee dream?"

Jim sighed and stopped walking, he looked to the ceiling, his eyes lost in thought starring blankly into the distance. Chekov swallowed dryly the captain looked so beautiful under the blue tinted lights of the ship. Lost in a deep thought, a sorrow filled expression graced the captains features making Chekov wonder what could make the always glowing man so broken. Jim spoke bringing the boy out of his thoughts.

"Have you ever been in love Chekov?" Chekov blinked clutching the pads closer to his chest.

"I... Hikaru iz special to me... I zink, I zink I love him... Vhy?" Jim smiled saddly looking back to the boy.

"Sulu... If Sulu left you... Would it kill you?"

"K- keptain?" Chekov stuttered nervously.

"If he died, if he didn't exist, if he didn't love you... And you watch from the sidelines as someone else takes your place... Tell me Pavel... Would it kill you?"

Chekov looked down nervous from the captains cold, dull stare. He looked so lost, so sad, the pale grey tint to the captain's normally blue eyes, made his blood run cold. He looked back up at the captain licking his lips nervously.

"K- keptain... I- I... Yes... It vould kill me..." Jim smiled saddly looking back down to the boy with tears in his eyes.

"Then maybe... You can understand... It hurts so much, the hidden kisses, loving smiles, hidden messages when they speak... Because I know, it will never be me..."

Chekov choked down a cry. He never knew the captain felt this way, and the cause was love. Something so insignificant and small, but it was undeniable love. The boy nudged the captain to follow him to their destination. Chekov placed the pads in their cabinets and stood back to watch the captain do the same. Jim closed the cabinets leaning against the wall and sighed.

"While he sleeps in the embrace of another and the cloaks of passion engulf their bodies in the hidden shadows of the night... The pain eats away at the core of my soul and boils the blood that runs through my veins like poison... I know... In a different life time, an alternate timeline, my timeline... One that should have been mine, was stolen from me..."

Chekov's eyes glistened with tears that fell in sparkling streams down his cheeks. When the boys eyes landed on the captains face he realized that the man speaking before him was not of the captains, but Jim's. It was Jim who was torn and distraught, Jim who had fallen pray to the treacherous clutches of love. So Chekov smiled, because despite his age the boy was no stranger to the pains of love. He cautiously reached out to bring the captain's head down to his height, thier foreheads touching as they stood silently listening to thier quivering breathes.

"Jim... Maybe I am nyet zee best perzon to zay zis but, love can over come all obstacles. If two people vere really meant to be together then lowe vill find a vay. Ewen through multiple univerzes and dimensions... Maybe zis dream vas just trying to show you that."

Jim sniffled reaching into his pocket. Chekov watched him carefully as the captain took his hand and froze.

"But that's just it...I don't know if it was just a dream Chekov. Spock... The other Spock gave me this in the dream, but when I woke up it was in my hand..."

"Vat- " Kirk placed the object in the boys hand, curiously Chekov opened his fingers to see the single cherry blossom in the palm of his hand.

"A flower?"

"Ya... From the dream..."

"Maybe 'Karu can find out if it iz real." Jim smiled and sighed in relief, Chekov didn't think he was crazy! He hugged and kissed the boy in excitement. When he pulled away Chekov was blushing madly, Jim only laughed.

"Keptain? May- Maybe you should speak to zee ambassador? "

"Spock prime? What're'ya crazy?" The boy blinked.

"N- Nyet! But, maybe, he can tell you vat zee dreams mean? T- Technically speaking, he iz from zee future and can maybe tell you if zis iz some sign?"

Jim paced the room, hands on his hips as his mind raced with questions. 'Maybe he's right... What if Selek knows about these dreams? What if these dreams are some sort of sign, but sign of what? Maybe he can tell me about the future? Wait no... He won't...' Kirk ran a hand down his face in frustration. Chekov pulled the captain's sleeve nervously.

"Keptein? Iz ewerything alright?"

"No... The ambassador promised to never interfere or give information that could ultimately influence or alter our time stream... He's not gonna tell me anything..." Chekove smiled.

"Maybe not... But he could help." Kirk's brow rose so high that even Spock's curious ridge would fall flat in defeat.

"Wh- what are you saying? "

"Call zee ambassador... Maybe speak over dinner? Invite him to zee ship for personal affairs zen maybe have scheduled video chatz..." Kirk's face contorted like he had tasted something bitter.

"Wait, stop! Are you... You want me to make Spock jealous? Thee Spock? Vulcan, stubborn, hot-headed, Spock jealous? Are you blind?! That pointy eared bastard has no emotions whatsoever-"

"Captain?" The doors swooshed closed behind Spock as he starred at them curiously. 'Well this is awkward...'


	3. Baby Goodnight (pretend)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock sat at the edge of the bed, the pillow now held close to his chest. Nyota had never slept in his bed. She had tried but Spock never allowed it, he'd bid her goodnight and she'd leave to her room. But Jim had slept in his bed. He willingly carried and placed the covers over the sleeping form.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if you guys see any errors please tell me, im just rushing through all the chapter to fix the confusion :)

"Captain?" The doors swooshed closed behind Spock as he starred at them curiously.

'Well this is awkward...'

The doors swooshed closed behind Spock as he starred at them curiously.

"Captain?" Jim cleared his throat standing straighter and flicked off invisible dust from his shirt.

"Spock! What're'ya doing here?"

"I merely came to collect the data files captain."

Chekov nudged the captain in the ribs glaring at him with wide eyes saying 'Now's your chance!' Jim mentally cursed the boy letting out a deep breath to regain some composure before putting his acting skills to the test, 'Here goes nothing...'

"Alright Spock, I gotta go make a call- "

"Call captain?" Jim paused by the door.

"Ya, a call, is there a problem or do I have to run that by you before I do?"

To say the commander was shocked was an understatement. There Spock stood wide eyed, lips parted slightly, Jim smiled.

"Good, at ease soldier, and close your mouth Spock you'll catch flies. See you on the bridge Chekov!" Spock's hand covered his lips in an instant and Chekov giggled.

"A- Aye Keptain!" Spock turned to look at the boy, an interrogating glare plastered on his face as Chekov coward with a sheepish grin.

"Lieutenant?" The boy squeaked.

"Y- Yes k- emmander!"

"Do you not have prior engagements to attend to?"

"Yes Kemmander, bye!"

Sulu announced Jim's presence as the captain walked aboard the bridge with Chekov following close behind. Everyone was silent as Jim took his seat the constant sound of clicking and beeping from people working at thier station's whirled through the room. Any other day Jim would've been happy to work alpha shift but today it was infurating. A five year mission in space didn't mean every day was going to be action packed. Jim groaned smearing his hand into his face.

The silence ate at his already racing mind. He could hear the gears turning in his head, feel the seconds ticking by, every passing minute felt like an eternity and it was killing him. Kirk was about rip out his hair when he heard a familiar beeping. Uhura tapped into the link reading the coordinates.

"Captain, they're hailing you sir?" Jim looked up curiously wondering who could be calling him.

"I - It's coming from New Vulcan sir...?"

Jim froze. There was only one other person who would contact him from New Vulcan and they were both associated with his first officer, he could already assume who was on the other end of the line. Jim jumped off his chair already walking towards the lift.

"Patch me through on a private link in the conference room, Sulu, you have the con!"

Jim bounced on his feet eagerly running to the conference room, he couldn't wait to see who was calling him. The doors opened and he bolted through the hallways pushing past people to reach his destination. Jim stepped through the doors pausing at the entrance to override all access but the captains. He sat in a chair at the head of the table and waited for the link to come through. The captain jumped when the wide screen turned on to reveal an old familiar face. The smile that radiated on the older mans face brought a fluttering warmth to his chest and he wondered if his Spock would ever look at him like that. A warm smile graced his face at the thought and he melted back into his seat.

"Hello Jim."

"Ambassador, it is a pleasant surprise to hear from you again. I've been meaning to call, but being a captain of a ship, the Enterprise no less, one can hardly get a moment of rest." The ambassador smiled.

"Yes, it has been some time now since we have last spoken." Kirk sat forward in his seat.

"Might I ask to what this call is pertaining to?"

"Do I need a reason to check up on an old friend?"

kirk chuckled, his smile growing into a wide grin, he liked this Spock and he wondered when his Spock would become as charming as this one. He cleared his thoat running a hand on his face to cover the rising blush.

"So this is a social call? That's illogical isn't is? To be honest I was thinking about calling you soon, I'm glad you called first you see, I have something quite personal to discuss with you..."

"Speak your mind Jim." Kirk hesitated contemplating on whether he should mention anything at all. He swallowed the knot in his throat speaking up finally.

"I've been having these reoccurring dreams...at first it was nice but I started noticing it was the same dream every night, but see, I couldn't really tell because things would happen differently it was just -" The ambassador's smile fell and his face grew stern and full of concern.

"The dialogue the same only voiced differently..." Jim sat straighter.

"Y- Yes, how did you know?" Selek closed his eyes and sighed.

"My apologies, but, it is too soon to say Jim..." Kirk jumped from his seat.

"Wait! So that means you know what's happening to me? These dreams and your not telling me?! Why can't you tell me?! Is it bad?!"

"James!" Kirk fell back in his seat the chair rolling back slightly.

"Please, I apologize for my outburst, but please Jim... try to understand..." Kirk nodded blankly.

"Can you answer me this... Just answer me one thing then..."

"I will do what I can." Jim nodded.

"Something came back... Out of the dream... Every dream, out of every dream nothing like this has ever happened." The ambassador's brow furrowed curiously.

"What was it Jim, what came back?" The captain looked straight into Selek's eyes never blinking.

"A flower..."

"A flower?"

"Yes, a flower. He gave me a flower in the dream... How did it get in my hand?" The ambassador smiled with an unreadable sadness, a knowing twinkle in his eyes as he looked up holding a familiar smirk on his lips.

"If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

"Jim starred at the ambassador, it was the same words he had heard Spock say before, his Spock. But now what? What was he supposed to do with that information? Jim groaned leaning back in his chair and running a hand through his hair.

"But this isn't something I can just analyze! Ok, so the flower is real? Symbolic? It's from the dream, but that just doesn't happen?! Someone had to hav- Oh..."

Spock chuckled holding a smile of adoration and longing, he remembered how ignorant and damn well stupid his captain could be when they were young.

"Precisely... Perhaps a thorough analysis is required before one can pass judgement on hypothesis rather than to proclaim truth from faulty information. We will continue this conversation later, Goodnight Jim."

The link was closed and Kirk sat gaping at the blank screen. He thought about the situation, remembered his surrounding, nothing was wrong with the picture, nothing out of the ordinary. There were neatly folded pants and ironed shirts hanging in an open closet, perfectly lined boots and perfectly orded old books. Plain and simple, but there was the problem and the only solution. It was Spock's room, no one would dare hack into his room and Spock wasn't one to pull a cruel joke. There was only one plossible explanation, Spock had given him the flower.

Kirk stood walking out of the conference room. His mind heavy rambling with thoughts, oblivious to anyone and his surroundings. So Spock gave him the flower, but why? How did he know about the dream? Kirk let out a deep sigh, he couldn't really just guess and making accusations wasn't going to bring him any closer to the truth.

That night Spock wandered the halls aimlessly. He rounded corners half a dozen times with no destination in mind but kept walking with the desperate need to move forward. He stopped to look at one of the ships computers curious of the time, it was getting late. Spock sighed moving through endless halls again. His throbbing mind made him pinch the bridge of his nose. He thought about the previous nights event, how seeing Jim in such a weak and defenseless state made his instincts go wild to the brink of insanity. He sighed again pacing the hallway thinking how it could be possible that one person alone could elicit such emotional responses in him. Perhaps that was the biggest surprise, not even Nyota could make such an impact on him. As if on cue, Nyota appeared out of nowhere like a raging godess. She walked in long strides, long slender legs carried her across the hall effortlessly, hips swayed like she was dancing to a song only she could hear and her skin glowed with the reflection of the ship's lights, Nyota was absolutely stunning. But even in her gorgeous glow, the empty pit in Spock's heart was not filled nor did his anxious mind settle at her mere presence like it once did .She smiled lovingly, standing on the tips of her toes bringing Spock's head down to kiss his forehead. He kindly accepted her affections and looked away. The action felt strange so he didn't return the kiss, he didn't want to, she frowned.

"What's wrong?" She huffed placing her hands on her hips.

"Must there always be an altercation for you to seek my presence? Nothing is the matter-" She stomped he foot impatiently.

"Spock please! You've been wondering the halls all night, you said I could come over tonight so come on and lets go to bed."

He froze, the bed smelled like Jim, he didn't want to go back to his room. Nyota moved to grab his hand and he flinched at the touch, the automatic transfer of anger and hurt emotions stung like burning oil on his skin. She scoffed at his reaction and he instantly regretted the action, he just couldn't control it.

"I apologize, it was not my intention to anger you-" She laughed sourly.

"Please Spock save the theatrics... Did you even remember it was our anniversary today?" Spock blinked curiously, she sighed heavily looking down at the floor. He tried to reach out for her but she took a step back.

"Save it Spock... It's not the first time you've forgotten, or the last time you've tried to evade the bedroom- just forget it... Goodnight Spock."

Spock was left dumbfounded in the center of the hall. He didn't know what else to do, so he walked to his room. Inches from the door he paused and turned around, the commander starred at the door besides his, it was Jim's room. So many times he had walked passed it, just a few feet away and not once had he stopped by to say 'hello'. Come to think of it, their rooms were connected from the bathroom and they had never crossed paths.

He stepped closer placing his palm on the captain's door, trying to do something, anything, he didn't know what? And yet he did. Spock was trying to feel Jim on the other side of the door, he closed his eyes trying to picture the blonde, tried to imagen what the other was wearing for bed, did he wear a matching set of pajamas? Did he prefer boxers? Or did he sleep in the nude? All these thoughts were strange. The commander took his hand off the door as a dark green dusted his cheeks in shame and embarrassment. He shook his head trying to rid himself of the shameful thought, they just weren't right. What was he doing? He was with Nyota, and here he was standing outside of his captain's room being, well what Sulu and Chekov would say, 'being a creeper'.

Spock typed in his access code almost running inside his room. He stood starring at the dullness of his living quarters. The room suddenly seemed so empty and large, as if he could never reach either ends of the walls. No matter where he looked, it just seemed so empty. He hadn't noticed how lonely and dead the place seem without someone there, and Nyota was the only other person who would dare set foot in Spock's room. The place was so wide and so empty, there was nothing within the place that symbolized it was lived in. The dull grey blue and white color scheme was a constant reminder of that fact.

He walked towards his bedroom, anxious to get away from the open space of his living room, but it was all the same. Everything was so wide and never ending, everything neatly placed within its spot, He opened the door to his bedroom, ironed shirts hung neatly in the closet alongside neatly folded pants, the drawer on the left of the room held neatly folded black socks and regulation briefs, the nightstand besides the bed at the center of the room held an old fashioned lamp and two photographs, one of his mother and the other of the alpha crew on shore leave. Then there was the bed itself, he stepped closer, his fingers running down the edge of the mattress and stopped once they reached the pillow. He paused staring at the menacingly white fluffy thing. One thought ran through his mind while he stared at the pillows, Jim had slept on his bed. It was Jim who rolled, tossed and turned beneath his sheets, Jim who slightly drooled on the pillow his head reasted on while the other he snuggled tightly to his chest but the one thing remained, Jim had slept on his bed.

Many times Nyota had tried to build thier relationship into something more physical. Many times she had invited Spock to her quarters on thier nights off and he would enter to find Nyota in revealing clothes and seductive fluttering eyes sprawled on the couch, sometimes she'd greet him at the door in lingerie. She'd lead him to the couch, lower the light to ten percent. She'd gently pushed him to lay atop of him as he fell into the cushions, her fingers threading through his hair as she lowered her head to the crook of his neck and kissed the tip of his ear, and whispered sweet seductive nothings as her hands slithered south to undue his pants, then he'd freeze. Spock's body would go rigid as he felt her fingers trying to wander past the zipper. He'd push her off going into a panic, breath quickening, heart pounding, eyes going wide and dilated. Spock would jump off the couch excusing himself and apologizing, and it never went further. Still Nyota would try and continue to fail, it made him feel guilty he couldn't fix the situation. But if she truly loved him should she not wait for him to make the first move when he was ready? Truly he was at a loss for words, he didn't know what to think.

The commander pulled out of his thoughs reaching for the pillow on the bed. They had tried so often but never once completed the action. Yes Nyota was stunningly beautiful and as an added bonus she was incredibly intelligent. He knew Nyota loved him and that he cared deeply for her in return, but to call it love? He was uncertain about thier relationship and questioned whether he truly had any kind of connection with her. It was truly complicated.

Spock sat at the edge of the bed, the pillow now held close to his chest. Nyota had never slept in his bed. She had tried but Spock never allowed it, he'd bid her goodnight and she'd leave to her room. But Jim had slept in his bed. He willingly carried and placed the covers over the sleeping form.

The commander laid back down on the bed, his legs hanging over the edge, the pillow he held was kept tightly in his arms. The sheets lingered with a fragrance of natural musk and cinnamon, something spicy and yet so sweet. Jim's scent was intoxicating and completely seductive, and it scared the hell out him.

Spock sprawled out on his bed running a hand through his hair. James T. Kirk, how had he gotten himself into this mess? But he already knew, lord forgive the stupidity of his half human genetics. For the love of all that is logic Spock could not comprehend why he did what he had done. He had seen into Jim's mind. The Vulcan plunged into the depths of Jim's thoughts, but what he saw, he never imagened to intrude on such an intimate scene. A moment of intimacy between Jim and himself.

_Spock had seen the luscious green grass, walked the stone pebble path, relished in the calm peacful breeze that blew pink petals from cherry blossom trees and sat beside the pond that reflected baby blue skies. Footsteps brought him out his daze to run and hide behind a tree to watch the scene play out before him. And he watched as a mirror image of himself ravished the captain's lips, trailed down the blondes jaw and neck. Unconsciously Spock took a step back thinking perhaps this was too intimate for him to see but he was grounded. Stuck in place fighting the urge to run and flee or move forward and take action._

_" ... I don't want this to end... I don't want to wake up... Don't let me wake up Spock..."_

_The commander stumbled with the sudden emotional transference within the dream, Jim's emotions were so strong it left him breathless gasping for air. Weak to his knees he leaned and slid down against the tree. Spock continued to watch the scene play out before him and it left him hungry, craving for the burning passion that displayed between his captain and this Spock. Never did the Vulcan imagen that the captain held such intense feelings for him. That thee James T. Kirk was in love with him, he felt guilt for never having noticed. Ashamed for the pain he may have caused the blonde while he was with Nyota. Spock watched closely as a single object continued to pass between the pair and when he realized what it was, it was then he did what he had done._

The commander gasped leaving Jim's mind, the sudden pull to reality quickly kicked in and he took off running towards the plants they kept in the labs. He walked through categorized shelves of plants and rows of trees till he found what he was looking for. He reached up for the perfect blossom plucking it from its thin branch and took off towards his room. Quickly and quietly he entered the bedroom. He paused by the door to see the blonde head poking out from beneath the sheets was still asleep and held his breath as he walked besides the bed to uncurl fingers and place the blossom delicately on the palm of Jim's hand.

The commander sighed coming out of his thoughts turning on his side. Grabbing a fist full of his bangs he pulled.

"What have I done...?"


	4. Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> brown eyes stared back at his and smiled. It was then that Jim realized he could truly relax. He could let down his gaurd because this wasn't a fight. There was no threat to be fought, no one to save, the universe was till in tact. Letting out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, so he smiled because it just Jim and Spock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning(s): I'd like to say now that after this chapter things will get slightly more violent and there will be mentions of abuse and alcoholism and possible rape. Ill let you guys know about it at the beginning of the chapters but its nothing too horrible. Anyways on with the show! Thank you for reading and well R&R, now for Act 4: friend

_He was dreaming, he already knew too well as he looked around the familiar surroundings. Cherry blossoms, the sent of dirt after it rained, green grass, and a stone pebble path. How many times did he have to come back? Jim was startled as strong slender arms slithered to wrap around his waist. The blonde smiled leaning his head back on a blue clothed shoulder._

_"Hello Jim."_

_"Hey Spock._

_The captain hummed contentedly swaying his hips with the breeze and wave of the trees. He turned to place a chaste kiss on the Vulcan's lips. He watched as Spock smiled lovingly._

_"He loves you too Jim..." The blonde smiled, fluttering his eyelashes unconsciously, and looked up to the taller man._

_"You keep saying that... But how do I know for sure?"_

_Spock's hands pressed Jim firmly against his body, hands snaked down his waist to rest on his ass. Jim smirked humming happily as he wrapped his arms around the Vulcan's neck._

_"You're such a tease... I wonder if he is too...?" Spock kissed along the captain's neck enjoying the small moans escaping the blondes lips._

_"Perhaps... We are, the same." Jim turned his head to lick the ridge of the Vulcan's pointy ear and smiled when he groaned in pleasure._

_"But you're not my Spock..." He whispered in the others ear._

_Spock smiled saddly taking the other by surprise as he slid them both to the ground laying over the captain. The Vulcan smirked feeling the slight bulge beneath the tight black jeans. He slowly ground his hips into the blondes._

_"Spoo~ck..." The Vulcan smiled leaning into the captain's face to whisper in his ear._

_"Jim... Your Spock awaits you." Jim internally groaned, he hated this part of the conversation, the other man chuckled at the emotional transference._

_"I don't want to go Spock... Please..." Spock kissed the captain softly on his forehead and moved down to his lips to place a loving kiss._

_"Jim... It's time to wake up..."_

Jim gasped as he sat up in bed. The sweat on his body trickling down his chest made him feel dirty then he looked down finally taking notice of the sticky wet feeling in his boxers.

"Shit! Seriously?! Its like I'm a fucking teenager again, stupid wet dreams-" Jim yelled running into the bathroom to take a shower.

Later that morning Jim decided to visit the activities room, he had time to kill anyways. But as he walked through the doors he never expected to see the person seated in the lounge. The one person he didn't want to see.

"Damn..." He whispered. Kirk cleared his throat pulling off a straight face making his way towards the sulking Vulcan.

Just a few steps forward and Jim could clearly see the troubled thoughts running through the commander's head. Anyone else would have passed it off for as just his normal expressionless face, but Jim could read behind the eyes. Those eyes always spoke volumes, the emotions always screaming, pleading through those eyes, 'please'. It was the only thing Spock couldn't hide, ambassador Selek had once told him. Jim allowed his eyes to close and sighed softly, memories of a frozen wasteland invaded his thoughts. Memories not his own mixing with the events of that day. For a moment he paused just to stare at the Vulcan and cautiously proceeded to the lounge to take the seat besides his first officer.

"Do you mind if I have this seat?"

Jim asked nervously, but Spock took a while to respond so he got up to leave till he felt a firm, yet warm grasp around his wrist. Jim blinked looking down at his arm, Spock's hand was holding his wrist. Spock was touching him. Stubborn, angry, don't touch scary hobgoblin was touching him. Jim melted with the sudden realization, his face went tomato red.

"Please... Stay..." The words were came out lower than a whisper, if Jim had turned away he would have missed it. The captain sloowly sat back down on the seat.

"Uhm... Mmm, is everything alright? You seem tense?" Jim waited through the silence and watched as Spock's shoulders visibly sank with a long sigh he let out and closed his eyes.

"Tense... Would be an understatement..." Jim slightly smirked from how relaxed his first officer was being with him. He quickly changed his expression to a look of concern as he continued. "Nyota is being difficult... She will not speak with me and I find myself lost with this altercation in our relationship... I fear it will end soon."

Jim starred blankly at nothing, this information was huge. Surely he felt bad for Uhura but this would mean he'd have a chance. If things got worse Jim would be there every step of the way and when all was said and dones, he'd strike and claim what was rightfully his. The captain sighed, ' _Easier said than done Jim...'_

Spock and Uhura could easily become friendly again and he'd be back to square one, anything could happen. Jim turned his full attention to the Vulcan besides him and smiled weakly placing a hand on Spock's shoulder.

"Maybe it's just a phase? Or maybe she's stressing about something and unconsciously taking it out on you? Im not sure, but dont linger on it too much Spock, she'll come around."

Spock looked up from his dazed stare and he turning to face Jim. What he did left the captain breathless and surprised. Spock smiled, those beautiful auburn eyes starred back at twin pools of blue, and if Jim were standing he might've fallen from the trembling of his knees. The subtle quirk of Spock's lips sent a flutter to his chest, but it was the look in its entirety that melted Jim. The look of Spock's face, the smile that curved the egdes of slightly pale pink lips, almond eyes that said this smile was reserved for him alone. It was the look ambassador Selek gave him when they spoke. Jim prayed to whatever God was listening, for this moment to be a sign for a possible future.

Spock secretly took pride in the way Jim's breath hitched, like a small victory the Vulcan relished the fact that a simple smile could make the ever flirtatious captain weak to his knees. The commander could see the visibly rising blush on the captain's cheeks and the smile on his face became a slight smirk. But Jim could esily turn tables, and turn the cool commander to mush. Jim laughed nervously, his tongue flicked out to wet dry pink plump lips, eyes nervously looked down fluttering blonde lashes like wings of a butterfly. But he wasn't finished, Spock's mouth ran dry growing fidgety when suddenly striking crystal blue orbs came into view making him gasp. The Vulcan could easily loose himself in the tiny oceans that starred back at him. But Jim quickly looked away smiling, score one for Jim, zero for Spock.

"Perhaps we should play a game, instead of waisting valuable time?" Spock looked at him curiously.

"What would you suggest?"

"How about a game of old fashioned chess?" Spock smirked.

"Let the game begin..."

It was what Jim that had proposed to play, and so they played. Soon enough people around the room began to take interest in thier game and came around to watch as the famous James T. Kirk and commander Spock played. People watched back and forth as the peices began to leave the board. By each turn people could that both seemed almost evenly matched. Spock would admit that he found himself entertained and fascinated by Jim's erratic moves. He was never able to tell what the other was going to do and he liked it, aside from all the other people he palyed he was usually bored but Jim sparked life into the usually dull boring game. And the smiles of victory Jim would make sent a slight flutter in the pit of his stomach.

Jim smiled, he was enjoying himself too. He could see Spock's gears turning in his head constantly trying to figure out his next move. The captain chuckled, he did not giggle, as almond eyes widened in surprise. Jim starred for a minute across the table, watching Spock, observing him till those brown eyes starred back at his and smiled. It was then that Jim realized he could truly relax. He could let down his gaurd because this wasn't a fight. There was no threat to be fought, no one to save, the universe was till in tact. Letting out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, so he smiled because it just Jim and Spock.

Spock smiled too and wondered if perhaps this was the start of the friendship his future self spoke of when they parted ways. Perhaps then the friendship could turn into something more, Spock instantly froze at the thought. These thoughts were becoming a habit and it scared him.

"Spock?" He blinked looking to the smiling captain.

"Yes?" and those beautiful long blonde lashes fluttered again

"I win." Spock blinked again starring at the board.

Once...

Twice...

Three times...

Spock blinked, but there it was, Jim had won the game and the group of people sat awestruck.

"Where's you head Spock? Perhaps next time you'd pay close attention to the game."

_'Next time?'_ The captain rose from his seat, Spock sat still blinking at the board when he finally registered Jim had won the game.

"Fascinating..." Jim laughed, Spock looked up and could only smile at the genuine look of happiness on his captains face. Jim looked at Spock and for a moment they just starred at each other. Comfortable in each others presence, a million words passing and yet, not a single word was spoken. Spock would never admit that this moment would become a memory held dearest to him, because it was the first time Jim smiled for him alone. A smile with filled with undeniable love.


	5. I'm Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones stumbled from the desk getting up to clean the mess of broken glass on the floor. The memories always came back at full force when he was drunk and he hated it. It always made him feel guilty and it was worse now knowing he could never fix it. The drunk crashed to the floor and whimpered. He stayed on the floor rolling onto his side. The tears fell trailing down his face making tiny puddles on the tiled floor. Hands came up to grasp at messy untamed hair. His body curling in on itself and he cried out.
> 
> "Oh God Jim! What am I supposed to do...?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter was inspired by the song Trouble Maker by Hyuna (of 4Minute), and Hyunseung (of BEAST). The 2nd song inspiration was Gummy 거미 feat TOP - I'm Sorry (미안해요). Ugh, I got a cold recently and chapter 5-7 were supposed to be out all on the release date of the new BIGBANG songs Sober and If You so yes these chapters are late... Sorry guys:( On another note, I got my hair cut and dyed and when I saw the sober MV GDragon had the same hair color and hair cut as me! Ahhh! Great minds think alike haha ^^ on with Act 5: I'm Sorry (미안해요)

**_Flash backs and thoughts are in italics'_ **

 

It had been three days since their argument. Three days since Jim left him to his own devices. Three days since he had been drinking. Like clock work, every night his shift ended and when he was alone in his office Bones searched for his hidden bottles and began to drink excessively. Bones was angry, foaming at the mouth with venom boiling through his veins, and Carol began to worry.

She nervously carried a tray of food towards his office. Hands nervously typing in the password to open the door but it was denied. She already knew, but she still tried. She sighed setting the tray aside and knocked on the door.

"McCoy? " He didnt reply and she tried again.

"McCoy? I brought you something to eat! Why don't you- "

"Go away Carol... Office hours are over..." She sighed looking over to the forgotten tray on the table by the door.

"Alright it's just out here if you cha- " Bones snapped.

"Goddammit Carol! Office hours are over! Leave me the fuck alone, can't a man get any peace around here?! Leave!"

Bones could hear the cries and clicks of her heels as she ran off crying. He sighed in relief sitting back in his chair to fill another glass. He frowned when nothing came out of the bottle and growled throwing it at the door.

"Dammit..." The glass spread throughout the floor making an even bigger mess of the place. Bones groaned running a hand through his hair getting up to pick the glass off the floor.

Leonard knew what Jim would say if he were to see him in this state, and he smiled saddly at the memories, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. The first time it got bad was when he couldn't speak to his daughter, it almost killed him.

_"Leo? Please stop drinking... It won't do you any good..." The Doctor didn't even look up as Jim spoke, just kept on starring blankly with the beer bottle in his hand._

_"I - I can't Jim... Jim she just- she just won't let me speak to Jo-Jo... Damn ex-wife know about us jim... Its my daughters birthday and she won't even let me call her to say 'hello'."_

_Jim shuffled slowly across the living room to sit on the couch next to the man. It didn't matter that He smelled heavily of whiskey and cheap beer or that his eyes were bloodshot red and glossed with tears. Jim did the only thing that came to mind. He gently placed his arms around the southern man and kissed the top of his head._

_"I'm sorry Leonard... I'd do anything to make this all go away. Hell, I'll leave if that what it takes... I'll go if it means you could be happy and see Jo-jo..."_

_Bones couldn't believe it, here he was crying and drowning in beer because he couldn't speak to his daughter, and now Jim was ready to leave him just so the old drunk could say 'hello' to his daughter. He really couldn't believe it._

_"God Jim... I don't know what I'd do without you. Here I am a fat old drunk, I don't know why your even with me...?" Jim smiled smaking the doctor flat on the back of his head._

_"Because you're my dumb hick. My life is in your hands, and ain't no other Doctor that knows about my allergies like you do. I might've been dead by now if it wasn't for you." Bones glared at the blonde trying to keep an angry face but failed miserably and they both laughed_.

Leonard sniffled, rubbing angrily at the tears falling. The memories always came back full force when he drank. That was the first time he started drinking into oblivion. And no matter what Jim loved him, Jim was always there. People always told him that true love was never perfect, if its real love there's good days and bad days. Leonard hated to admit sometimes there was really bad days, he was more ashamed to say they would get worse...

_"Bones it's not your fault! There's nothing you could've done!"_

_Leonard paced the room back and forth. He had been drinking again, Jim knew by the smell and broken glass on the floor. The place was a mess and Bones was fuming. So he cautiously took a few steps forward trying to approach the drunk man._

_"Leo-" He snapped turning around to yell at the other._

_"God dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, I should've been able to do something! I should've been able to save his life!" Jim only sighed, it was always like this everytime he lost a patient, today wouldn't be the exception._

_"Leonard please... Take it easy, it's been a long day, lets just go to bed..."_

_The drunk man laughed menacingly, the look on his face was crazed as he stormed his way towards Jim throwing everything in his path. Bones knocked over the glass coffee table and it was then that Jim felt fear. Jim stepped back trying to get away from Bones drunken rage. He ran into the kitchen to stand behind the table and chairs but they were all effortlessly thrown out of the way and Jim was left backed up against the wall. Jim could feel his racing heart beating against his chest as Bones rammed him harder into the wall._

_"Ya, the bed... That's all your good for isn't it? Spreading your legs..."_

_The blonde whimpered trying to pull his wrists from Bones strong hold. He could smell the heavy scent of alcohol as the drunks breath came out to tickle his neck sending chills down his spine that made him shiver. But Bones took it for pleasure and smiled sickly. This wasn't right._

_**'This is wrong...'** _

_Bones kissed along Jim's collar bone while his left hand began to wander. Finger nails grazing his stomach leaving a red trail of marks down his stomach and stopped at his waist. He could feel the hot tongue licking up his neck and sucking on his skin, that would surely leave an ugly mark from the teeth that bit roughly into the sensitive flesh._

_**'This isn't right...'** _

_Bones smirked and Jim was afraid of the sick pleasure the doctor took out of this moment. He tried to push away, tried to kick and scream but it came out as muffled sobs and moans as the drunk savagely ravished his lips. Jim cringed from the horrid taste of the burning alcohol as their tongues swirled around each other. Jim bit the mans tongue and he groaned in anger and pleasure smiling with blood in his teeth. Jim frowned and spit at his face. Jim fought harder to pull away but Bones only threw him harder, the back of his head colliding with the wall scarily. Jims sight was slightly blurred, head spinning from the pain, leaving him dazed till he felt the harden length in the drunks pants poke at his hips._

_**'No... No...'** _

_"No!" Jims eyes clenched shut and pushed with all his strenght sending Bones falling backwards on the fallen table on the floor. Jim angrily jumped on the drunk screaming hysterically, balled fists puched at the man on the floor repeatedly not caring that there was blood smeared from the broken nose._

_"What the hell is wrong with you?! How could you do this to me Leonard?! Me?!"_

_Bones groaned in pain unable to see straight, but he could hear the pain in Jim's voice, and he could feel the body quivering in fear above him. He tried to reach out and comfort the younger, tried to apologize for his actions, but Jim fliched and screamed smacking Bones hands away._

_"Don't fucking touch me!"_

_Bones got up trying to steady himself. He had a raging headache, his face hurt, but nothing hurt as much as how he felt for saying those things to Jim. He felt bad for the things he did, guilt and shame for almost doing the unspeakable to someone he loved. He just wanted to apologize, but Jim couldn't see that. Leonard stumbled trying to approach the blonde, his head felt fuzzy, throbbing with a pounding headache. He was so drunk, he just wanted to apologize to him, why couldn't he see that? Trembling bloody hands reached out to caress the captain, but the blonde revolted. His face twisting in horror and he crouched placing his head in between his knees screaming bloody murder. Those who were walking the halls near their room could hear the screams and froze in thier tracks. Sulu just happened to be near by and ran to the captains aid._

_"No, No, No! Get away from me!"_

_The doors swished open to reveal the helms man panting practically from the run with a panicked look on his face._

_"Jim?" When the helms man saw the state the captain was in he glared daggeres at the doctor as hus blood boiled in rage._

_"You... How could you, you sick fuck!" That was the first time Sulu found out about Leonard's drunk and violent tendencies_.

Bones stumbled from the desk getting up to clean the mess of broken glass on the floor. The memories always came back at full force when he was drunk and he hated it. It always made him feel guilty and it was worse now knowing he could never fix it. The drunk crashed to the floor and whimpered. He stayed on the floor rolling onto his side. The tears fell trailing down his face making tiny puddles on the tiled floor. Hands came up to grasp at messy untamed hair. His body curling in on itself and he cried out.

"Oh God Jim! What am I supposed to do...?" Running through the halls crying, Carol came up the turbo lift to the bridge. It was Jim who stood up running over to her aid. She wiped angrily at the spilling tears, her make-up smearing under her eyes.

"I-I'm sorry for coming in like this but I didnt know what else to do?!" Jim placed a hand on her shoulder, the other came up to gently stroke her cheek and wipe her tears. She graciously leaned into the touch.

"Shh- Carol, it's alright. Tell me what's going on?" She whimpered.

"It's McCoy, I just didn't know what else to do..."

"What's wrong with Bones?" Jim had a concerned expression.

"He's locked in office, he won't stop drinking and I'm getting worried..."

Spock stood from the seat at his station and Sulu turned around looking back at the captain. The concerned expression visible on his face and Chekov was left nervously looking between the group that had settled near the captains chair. When Sulu's shoulders tensed and his hands balled into fists, Chekov grew frightened reaching out to lightly tug on the sleeve of the gold shirt the helms man was wearing.

"Karu?"

Jim watched the two share glances, surprised and taking a step back when a science blue shirt came into view. He nervously looked up at the taller man to see auburn eyes starring back at him. The questioning glare he shared with the helms man proved he was trying to read further into the situation. Curious almond eyes scanned the scene trying to pick out Information when nothing was being said. Jim starred back at Sulu nervously.

"I-I..." Sulu glared, his body going rigid and tense.

"Jim. No! Let security handle it."

The blondes head shook defiantly. Jim was scared, visibly shaking, lips quivering slightly, and eyes glossed over with threatening tears. Jim started walking backwards shaking his head 'no'.

"I-It's Leo... I can't just leave him there Sulu... I'm sorry, I c-can't..."

Chekov jumped from his seat wrapping his arms around Sulu's waist trying to hold him back from throwing himself at the captain.

"Jim!"

"I'm sorry!" He yelled back running into the lift.

Spock could see Sulu was fuming. He could see the mans nostrils flaring, feel the menacingly heavy aura that befell the bridge in silence and worried glances. Chekov was still trying to calm down the helms man. The commander could hear bits and pieces of thier conversation and it made him anxious.

"Karu relax pleaze."

"He's only gonna get hurt-" Spock's ear twitched and he turned to face the pair from his station.

"Karu...?"

"I don't want to see him that again-" The commander grew antsy with the bits of information he was getting from the pair unable to hear entire sentences. His footing constantly switching weight, brows kneaded, fingers twitching nervously behind his back. Chekov's hands cupped Sulu's cheeks.

"Hi-chan...please..." Sulu's hands trembled as he grasped Chekov's hands, rubbing his cheek into the touch and kissed the boys palm.

"If he lays a hand on him aga-" Spock froze, that was the last piece of information he needed to bring down the severity of the situation. A piece of information making him act on impulse and Spock took off without a second thought.

"Sulu you have the con!" Sulu yelled out and Uhura came running after Spock curiously.

"Spock! Where are going, Spock!" But in a flash of blue spock was gone out the doors and into the turbolift. Uhura was left stomping her foot angrily.

Jim ran the corridors to reach the doctor. The layout of the ship already mapped in his mind telling him where to go as he rounded the corner and he ran out of the lift.

_'Down the hall two rights and a left...'_

Jim thought trying not to let the anxiety get to him. But memories crawled into his mind leaving him in a blank stare as he ran.

_"Jim? What's wrong?" The blonde sat in front of Bones on the floor as he laid on the couch._

_"I can't do this anymore..." Bones looked at Jim curiously. he quickly sat up scooting closer to the blonde._

_"The drinking... I just can't. You drink and it gets out of hand Leonard! It scares me!"_

_Leonard watched the blonde from the corner of his eye. He knew when Jim was upset, when he was trying to hold back the tears. The young captain turned away letting out slow uneven breathes, the nervous flick of his tongue to wet dry lips, the way his fingers played unconsciously and the flutter of blonde lashes trying to hide over flowing tears at the rims, he knew Jim all too well._

_"Jimmy... I'm sorry..." There. Jim brought his knees up to his chest hiding his face as he began to cry. McCoy Smiled sadly reaching down for the blonde to sit Jim in his lap._

_"No Bones!" He struggled but Leonard managed to get him in his lap._

_"Jim?" No response._

_"Jimbo baby, look at me?"_

_The blondes finally looked up and those crystal blue orbs never faltered to make him gasp. Jim was beautiful even when he cried. Bones pulled the younger man in for a soft embrace. His arms coming to wrap around Jim's back and the other in blonde locks._

_"I don't want to hurt you kid... I'll try and stop, I promise Jimbo, just don't leave... I can't do this whithout you..."_

_Jim snuggled into the crook of the southern mans neck. Lips did not speak only quivered as more tears fell to dampen the older mans shirt. Bones grew anxious hugging the blonde tighter._

_"Please..."_

_The voice muffled into Jim's shirt, the blonde didn't speak, only nodded as Bones instantly ravished the captains neck. Jim's body instantly lost control, submitting into the doctor's touch. The blonde allowed the doctor to gently push him down on the couch._

Jim came out of his thoughts wiping angrily at the stray tears. He paused one more time to before turning the corner. The captain feared what he might fined when he reached the doctor's office. With heavy dread and sluggish steps, Him rounded the corner walking and hiss thoughts wandered back to that night.

Five steps...

_The blonde beneath him began to moan._

Four steps...

_Hands roaming, exploring the curves of the lean body and dipped into the curve of his back._

Three steps...

 _Eyes fluttered open to reveal twin pools of blue_.

Two steps...

_Lips sealed with a loving kiss._

One step...

_"I love you..."_

Jim opened the door to the infirmary getting out of his thoughts, walking with precaution. Each step he took became heavier as he neared the office at the end of the hall.

"L- Leo?"

Footsteps echoed down the hall behind the captain. Jim panicked forcing the fear away to move forward. He took off in a sprint, hand reaching out ready to input the captains override code. Footsteps growing closer made the captain turn his head for a second before he heard the familiar 'swoosh' of the door opening. Jim ran forward still looking back at the door at the end of the hall behind him.

_"I love you too Leonard..."_


	6. Sober

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...Bones thumb traced Jim's lips smearing the blood on like lipstick. The doctor smiled wickedly bringing his head down to Jim's to whisper in the blondes ear. Jim could feel Bones lips lightly brush past his cheek to his ears sending shivers down his spine. Bones chuckled smugly, both hands on either side of Jim's thighs. They were so close Jim smelt a hint of cologne under the stench of sickess and alcohol. Leonard's eyes fluttered shut as he spoke.
> 
> "My little whore..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapters was inspired by a different song, but in honor of Big Bangs new song 맨정신 (Sober), I changed the title because it fit it so well. The last half was inspired by the 2nd new song (If you) - BigBang. This chapter is for AiMila, you always leave a comment and they make me smile! You're awesome :)
> 
> Warning(s): yes this chapter is violent, there's abuse, almost rape, alot of vulgar language... And if you don't like it I think you can skip to after the bad stuff and head on to the next chapter. Now for Act 6:맨정신 (Sober).

Jim stopped hearing the crunching of broken glass beneath his feet. Looking down he finally saw the mess. And gasped, a chocked cry filled the room as he saw the state the doctor was in.

"O- oh God, Leo! W- What've you done?!"

Bones body lay huddled on the floor. Broken glass scattered around the room. Vomit stained the floor near his face and trickled down his chin. The place reeked of sickness and alcohol. And Jim fell to his knees cradling the older mans head.

"Leonard... Leo, Leo baby, wake up!"

Trembling hands combed through messy sweaty hair, trying to make the unconscious man look remotely decent. Tears blurred Jim's vision and dropped in tiny puddles on the doctor's face. Jim gripped the mans shirt tightly rocking back and forth as the footsteps grew closer but he paid them no mind.

"Bones, wake up please! If they find you like this I'm not sure what they'll do to you- Leonard! Please!" Jim smacked the older man repeatedly, and froze when he saw hazel eyes begin to blink lazily.

"Who- wah- Jim" Jim was so happy to see the drunk alive but Jim's smile boiled the doctor's blood and rage fueled his heart. Bones hand pulled at the captain shirt.

"Y-you shouldnt be here! Now leave!" Pushing the captain away.

"B-but Leo, you need help, let me help you!" The man used his desk for support to stand. Immediately he turned with anger written over his face.

"Help me!? You call this helping me!? You left me to rot!" Jim stood reaching out for the older man.

"Bones please, I know we're not toge-" Leonard grabbed the blonde throwing him onto the desk beside him. His nostrils flaring, face flushed, eyes blood shot red, and his lips fell to form an angry scowl.

"Was I not enough for you... That you had to go and chase the next dumb fuck? Whos next when you're tired of Spock? Sulu? Giatto? Scotty!?"

Jim whimpered, trying to sit up hitting the doctor with shaking clenched fists. Jim was in shock, he was worried about Bones and wanted to help him. How had this all happened? The man grabbed him by the collar slamming him hard back down on the desk. Bones laughed evily.

"Just like the academy, huh Jimmy? Before you and I started dating you fucked half the entire school! Isn't that right Jimmy!? Or did you just lie there bent over with your face to floor cause you couldn't move anymore...? Hmm, you disgust me-"

"S-stop it! Just stop!" tears fell down the captains face. Bones only smiled smugly bringing the captain by the shirt.

Bones punched the captain's face causing his bottom lip to tear and bleed. Jim laid still shocked starring at the man as McCoy starred back curiously at the busted lips. Jim gasped letting out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding as Bones fingers delicately touched Jim's lips. Bones thumb traced Jim's lips smearing the blood on like lipstick. The doctor smiled wickedly bringing his head down to Jim's to whisper in the blondes ear. Jim could feel Bones lips lightly brush past his cheek to his ears sending shivers down his spine. Bones chuckled smugly, both hands on either side of Jim's thighs. They were so close Jim smelt a hint of cologne under the stench of sickess and alcohol. Leonard's eyes fluttered shut as he spoke.

"My little whore..." Jim cringed and recoiled from his touch like it was boiling oil. Jim tried to push the older man off of him, trembling hands punching, legs kicking trying to get free.

"You're sick! Get off of me! Get off!"

Bones laughed licking the blood from his fingers and smiled a toothy grin covered in blood as he pushed Jim back to lie down on the desk. His hands quickly roaming the blondes body, ripping the captains gold shirt to reveal tanned smooth skin. Jim tried pushing the older man off but in his frantic state it was all useless and only served to excite the drunken man more.

"Le- oh God no! Leonard please stop!"

Bones only laughed using pieces of Jim's ripped shirt to tie the captains wrists and pulled them above his head. Pants were torn and His legs were spread apart. Jim was terrified, of all the times Bones had gotten drunk and uncontrollable, it had never gotten this bad. Bones at some point would return and he'd apologize to the blonde. But this time Jim wasn't sure if the doctor would come back to his senses. Jim only wanted him back. He wanted him to smile, wanted hazel eyes to glisten with life like they once held, kiss Brandy flavored lips as they bathed in sunlight in an opened field. He just wanted Leonard back, everything was so much more difficult without him always by his side. It was then he understood, that the monster before him was a creation of his own doing. There was no Bones without Jim, and when he left Bones was destroyed.

Jim let his tears fall looking up at the man leaving bruises along his neck and chest. Starring at him with saddened tear filled rims.

"Le- Leo... I love you... Please..."

For a moment the drunken man froze, and Jim hoped it was enough to bring him back to his senses. But all too soon the older mans expression changed back to a look of unbelievable anger. Bones tore the thin fabric of his boxer briefs, Jim cried out frightened.

"Liar! You never loved me! And he'll never love you after Im through with you! You'll be mine, forever..."

"N-No, Leonard stop! No!" Just as the drunk was about to smack the blonde again the door was forced open by a pair of unbelievably strong hands.

Tear filled blue orbs connected with coffee brown eyes. The commanders sudden instinct to protect came at full force like an animalistic rage. Jim's lips were red and slightly swollen, his bottom lips split leaving a trail of blood running down the left side of his chin. Spock swallowed dryly, hands fisting and nails digging into his palms causing small cuts that bled an emerald green. Jims eyes stared at the Vulcan, begging, pleading. His body exposed, bruises down his neck and chest. The blonde whimpered not being able to move.

"Spock... Help me..."

A single tear rolled down the captains cheek and Spock faught the urge to reach out and catch it before it fell. Angry brown eyes looked up at the doctor trying to fight back the instinct to kill.

"Doctor McCoy, I believe this has gone on long enough... Please step away from the captain or I will be forced to remove you myself."

McCoy scoffed, laughing evily as he yanked the blondes head by his hair. Jim whimpered, hissing in pain. Spock wanted to yank the hands off the captains head but feared worse for the captain, if he were to act on impulse who knew what the crazed doctor would do. So he swallowed dryly as panick rose and made him tremble. Bones smirked, a disgusting look plastered on his face from the pain the captain was in. He watched Spock's body language, reading into every little movement, every little twitch. Leonard tugged the blondes hair in Spock's direction causing him to cry out in pain.

"Do you want him?" What kind of question was that? Spock was frozen in place, he didn't know what to say, Bones chuckled.

"What's the matter Spock? Don't you like him? Huh? If you want him, come'n take him."

Bones took Jim's tied hands pulling him to sit up holding them above his head. Jim felt so exposed he tried to hide by closing his legs, but the Doctor scolded him pulling on his hair more. Spock was confused, he didn't understand what the doctor was doing or why he was doing it. He watched as Bones roughly kissed the captain tugging on his hair to give him more access to his already bruised flesh of his neck.

"L-Leo... Uh-ah... S-Stop, please..."

Bones hands caressed the blondes chest pausing to play with pink nubs. Another sickening smile of satisfaction fell on the doctor's lips when Jim moaned. The doctor finally looked up to wink at Spock, giving the Vulcan's cheeks a green tint, Spock turned away.

"He's ready Spock, just look at him..."

Jim was blushing and panting, with red swollen lips, saliva trickling down the side of his mouth. The doctor's hand still pulling Jim's head back leaving his eyes half closed. Jim's legs were still closed tight trying to hold onto whatever little dignity he had left. Leonard was not amused by this.

"Open your legs Jim, like the good little whore that you are..."

Jim whimpered refusing, trying to close his legs tighter. Bones hands slithered south trying to pry open the stiff legs, but the blonde wouldn't budge. Bones pulled Jim's hair harder and bit down on his shoulder angrily on the younger mans shoulder breaking the skin. Jim cried out in pain.

"Ahh! Oh God stop! Stop it! Spock help me please! Please!"

Bones threw Jim's legs open grabbing the half limp member in his hand and started stroking slowly. Jim carried and squirmed not wanting to be touched. His body betraying him as he bucked his hips up at the feeling. He didn't want this but his body was starting to respond.

"Mmm~ ah! Haa... Please... S-stop..." Bones smiled looking up at Spock.

"I'll ask again, do you want him?"

Spock swallowed at nothing and just look away. He couldn't deny the growing tightness below his waist but he didn't want this. If the occasion ever occurred he'd let it play out naturally, but this was sick. This was disgusting and humiliating, there was no honor in taking the captain like this.

The commander raised his head glaring at the doctor and looked down at Jim with softer eyes. Slowly he walked in front of the captain on the desk sitting with his legs spread wide. Spock settled himself between his legs, the doctor moved his hand from Jim's throbbing member and the captain whimpered as his hair was tugged to look up at Spock and he clenched his eyes shut in fear.

"P-please don't Spock... No..."

Spock's hands rested at his waist observing the body before him. Slowly his hands ran up the younger mans sides, running his hands up his chest and neck to land at Jim's cheeks. Jim shivered beneath his touch, frightened and aroused. Cautiously he opened his eyes to see Spock looking back at him. The pain written in Spock's eyes as they watched him fight back tears, and Jim gasped letting his own tears fall instead. Spock gently wiped the moisture from the captains cheeks leaning his head down at an angle closing the gap between them planting a soft kiss to Jim's lips.

"I'm so sorry Jim..."

The commander whispered as he ran his fingers through the blonde hair, leaning Jim's head into his chest. In one swift move Bones face was repeatedly smashed on the desk till he was left bloody and groaning in pain, finally being thrown across the room.

"Spock Stop!" Jim yelled panicked.

Spock removed his shirt, undoing the knots of ripped cloth on Jim's wrists and pulled the shirt over his head. Jim was left gaping at the sight as a shirtless Spock walked towards the doctor glaring at the floor where he lay.

"Perhaps you will think twice before touching the captain again. I would advise you keep your distance McCoy, I will not stand for a repeat of this incident... Nor will I have the events of this confrontation spread, therefore the three of us will be the only ones to have any knowledge of what happened here tonight, Do I make myself clear McCoy? " Bones groaned pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Fuck you!" The commander growled kicking Bones in the stomach.

"Spock!" Jim yelled, Spock only stared at the drunk holding his abdomen.

"Ah! Fuck! Yes, clear God dammit!" Spock blinked finally.

"Now pick yourself off the floor you worthless parasite..."

Spock was about to walk away but turned around and knealed down to roughly take the doctor's pants off and handed them to Jim. Quietly he helped the captain dress and gently slid him off the desk. Jim wanted to speak, wanted to say something about what had just happened, but Spock quickly silenced him with a pleading stare.

The commander's hand held onto Jim's as they walked through the hall to stand in the lift. Jim stood at the back end quietly waiting for Spock to step in. As the lift began to move Jim waited impatiently as the silence ate at his mind. Half way Spock stopped the lift and Jim's head quirked up as the commander finally turned around to face him. His fierce stance, piercing gaze, naked chest, Jim couldn't deny he wanted to reach out and touch him. But Spock's cool collected gaze kept him at bay. And then Spock was walking towards him. Jim's eyes went wide as Spock gently pushed him against the wall. The Vulcan's warm lips lovingly ravished the captains lips. Hands eagerly came up to thread into soft perfectly cut black hair. Spock gently caressed Jim's face, nipping softly at Jim's bottom lip.

Spocks hand reached back to start up the lift again. Then came back to gently stroke Jim's blonde hair. The commander took the captains hands in his raising them to either side of Jim's head and paused momentarily to view the smaller man. Jim's chest quickly rose and fell, panting for air. His face flushed and those closed eyes fluttered blonde lashes to reveal beautiful dilated crystal blue orbs. Spock's head had instantly lowered to place a sweet loving kiss to Jim's lips before moving down to kiss the bruises on his neck. Each kiss left the captain quivering, sending sparkes of pleasure down his back and he gasped trying to bite back a moan. Jim whimpered as the commander bit his busted bottom lip and Spock froze looking back up, watching as blood slowly fell down his chin. The commander leaned in, instinct taking over as his tongue flicked out to lick the wound making Jim maon at the painful but pleasurable feeling.

Spock rose his head to rest against Jim's, both standing and breathing heavily. The lift gone silent as it waited for them to unlock the door. Jim could hear the Vulcan swallow thickly before placing another soft kiss to his brow and rubbing his face against the younger mans cheek.

"I- forgive me..." Jim blinked curiously tilting his head, Spock continued.

"I should have come sooner... Forgive me for not prev-" Jim kissed the Vulcan cuddling thier noses together.

"Spock, it's ok... I'm alright... Really -"

"You are not alright. .. That vile- He hurt you..." Jim sighed looking away momentarily.

"Ya, Bones has a habit of getting out of hand when he drinks..." Spock's eyes went wide.

"He has done this before? On how many occasions!?" Spock said with a slight rise to his voice. Jim huffed out a chuckle.

"Spock please, you can't stop a wound you weren't there for. Besides, Bones and I... Leonard and I are no longer together..."

Spock huffed approvingly, Jim only smiled. The commander lifted the bloneds chin kissing him lightly. He turned around taking the captain's hand leading him out of the lift and into the hall to find his room. Jim's eyes began to droop heavily as Spock gently pushed him inside to sit on the couch. He walked away leaving the blonde with a blanket to go and change. By the time he had returned Jim was already asleep, wrapped in the thin blanket, a fresh trail of tears stained his face. Spock wiped the menacing moisture away running a soft hand through the blonde hair and kissed his forehead.

"I am truly sorry..."

For a second time that week, Spock carried Jim's sleeping form to his bedroom, lowering the lights before he took the seat besides the bed and went to sleep.


	7. Tell Me Where To Go From Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you're struggling like I am
> 
> Can't we make things a little easier?
> 
> I should've treated you better
> 
> when I had you...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heres a little something inspired by the song (If You) by BigBang, now for Act: 7...

_'Why did it always have to be the same place?'_

_Jim looked around the place walking up to one of the cherry blossom trees. He plucked a single blossom from a branch holding it in the palm of his hand._

_'Stupid flower...' He thought plucking the petals off one by one._

_"You started all this... Now look at the mess I'm in..." Jim held out his hand letting the petals blow with the wind. Watching as they danced in the breeze. He smiled feeling lips delicately kiss the length of his neck._

_"Did I not tell you he harbored hidden feeling for you..." The captain hugged his arms around his chest moving his head away from the Vulcan._

_"He probably only did that out of pitty... Spock- My Spock will never see me as anything more..."_

_Jim's chin was gently lifted by Spock's finger thier eyes connected and Jim almost cried. This man before him looked just like his Vulcan, it was a cruel joke having to return to this dream. His hand gently caressed Spock's cheek, he wanted his Spock to touch him the same way. The vulcan leaned down to pleace a kiss to the blondes forehead._

_"Jim he loves you too... You need only open your eyes to see..." Jim whimpered lowering his gaze._

_"He'll never be you..." Spock kissed Jim's quivering lips softly._

_"He is me James... But you have to wake up..." Jim clenched his eyes shut as tears began to fall._

_"No... I don't want to wake up..." Spock kissed the blondes cheek to whisper in his ear._

_"Open your eyes Jim..."_

Jim gaped throwing the sheets off the bed as he got up. He took a minute to collect himself taking deep breaths and looked around the room. He sighed running a hand through his blonde hair.

"I gotta stop waking up like this..."

He got out of the bed to pick the blanket off the floor throwing it on the bed. Jim groaned out in pain as he tried to walk out of the bedroom. His entire body hurt from the beating he received the night before. Walking towards the bathroom he paused near the mirror staring at the reflection. Jim's lip was swollen, bruises covered his neck, smaller pink ones, Spock's kisses, overlapping the angry purple red bite marks. Jim blushed remembering the incident in the lift. He couldn't believe it really happened, it wasn't a dream! Just as the blonde was about to remove his shirt the door opened to reveal the commander.

"Jim?" Spock walked in reaching out to touch the captain's cheek.

"N-No, stop!" Jim flinched walking backwards, cornering himself by the shower and sink. Spock feeling guilty lowered his hand and took a step back.

"I... I apologize. Pardon my intrusion..." Jim didn't mean to cringe in fear , it was instinct. He whimpered feeling guilty at the hurt expression in the commander's eyes.

"Wait! I... I'm sorry, I... I should go..." Spock blinked curiously walking after the captain as he watched Jim put on his shoes and move towards the door.

"Jim wait..." The captain paused in fromt of the door looking back tears spilling down his face, Spock fought the urge to reach out and hold him.

"It's alright... Don't pretend with me Spock... Go back to Uhura I'm sure she'll want to know you're alright... And for me, j-just don't tell anyone what happened last night...

Spock was curiously left standing at the door watching the back of Jim's leaving form. He blinked taking notice of the familiarity of the situation, why was everyone walking away from him lately? The doors swooshed closed and Spock walked back towards the center of his living room. Not know what to do next his mind wandered back to the nights events.

The abuse between McCoy and the captain. How long had it been going on? He hadn't noticed any signs of abuse at the academy. He thought about how he lost his self control and almost broke the doctor's face on the desk. The boiling animalistic rage, the instinct to kill and protect now made his blood run cold and he shivered in fear. Jim was causing all these emotions to arise and it terrified him. He quickly peeled off his shirt sitting in the center of the floor.

"I must meditate..." Jim walked out of the room pinching the bridge of his nose. He was gaining a slight headache thinking about the night before.

"It wasn't real... Last night didn't mean anything... He's just playing with you..."

He repeatedly told himself trying to calm his nerves when a pair of hands grasped his shoulders z hook him from his thoughs and he tried to fight the hands away fearing the worst.

"What the hell?! Jim calm down its me!" He froze realizing who it was followed by a panicked younger boy.

"What happened to you last night?" Jim whimpered at the thought.

"Last night I..." But Jim couldn't finish the sentence. The words taken from his lips as he stood starring at the fierce eyes of his pilot. His thoughts of the night before came in flashes and before him stood Bones with his angry face covered in blood where Sulu once stood. The blood started shaking uncontrollably and hyperventilating. Sulu tried shaking the captain back to reality.

"Jim!"

Keptain! Please!" And Jim went still, he stopped breathing looking directly into Sulu's eyes.

Sulu's eyes softened as his hands moved from the captain's shoulders to his his face. Breath hitched and lips quivered realizing Bones presence was no where in sight. Sulu wiped a stray tear from the blondes cheek.

"It's alright Jim..." Jim threw himself into his friends embrace.

"Oh God Sulu!" Chekov watched the two sending sulu a silent stare pointing towards the captain's room.

They sat down huddled around eachother drinking tea. Sulu got up pacing around the room thinking of what to say but found nothing leaving his lips parted in a silent 'o' before he closed them and repeated the process. Chekov curiously glanced at the captain. Jim sat with his cup in his hands staring intently at the reflection in the honey tinted substance. Tiny ripples distorted the image as he blew out quivering breathes.

_Will this go away after time passes?_

Blondes lashes fluttered closed as he took a deep breath letting the memories drift through his mind like scenses from a movie.

_I remember the old times_

_I remeber you..._

Echoing laughter invaded his ears, lips burned and scorched their mark against his skin.

_If you..._

_If you..._

_If it's not too late_

_Can't we get back together?_

Tears flooding his sight, tiny droplets falling setting in small puddles on his hands. The ripples in the cup splashed from the tears, becoming a blurred lake from a memory. He could feel the cool waters against his skin. The feeling of wet hair tangled within his fingers; a loving smile gracing brandy flavored lips. The taste of summer.

_If you're struggling like I am_

_Can't we make things a little easier?_

_I should've treated you better_

_when I had you..._

Jim blinked back stinging tears, paying no mind to the boy running caring fingers through his tangled hair.

_How about you?_

_Are you really alright?_

_Our break up is here_

_I should forget you_

_But it's not easy..._

'I love you' burned his ears. A lasting embrace warmed his body. Coffee colored hair brushed his face as he leaned in for a kiss. Looking up to see the rain pouring down their faces. And the laughed not having an umbrella and ran.

_On days where thin rain falls like today,_

_I remember you..._

He looks up, but where hazel eyes should, brown irises stare at him nervously, Sulu's eyes. No longer will he stare upon a loving face, nor feel the strength in a loving embrace. The sun will not shine and summer has gone taking with it brandy stained lips. The taste of the burning alcohol left on his tongue like an awful after taste.

_Our memories that I secretly_

_put in my in my drawer,_

_I take them out again and_

_Reminisce by myself..._

Curious eyes follow as jell-o like limbs move to walk across the bed room. Dropping to his knees, trembling hands reach out to open a drawer. They watche as he takes out a simple black wooden box. The click of the unlocked latch echoes through the room and they wait frozen in place as he takes out pages. But a closer look identifies it more than just simple paper, they're photographs. More tears fall as he weakly lets the images fall from his quivering fingers.

An angry scream erupts from the blonde as he suddenly throws the box spilling its contents throught the room. Images of once happy memories fluttered throughout the place as they silently watched the blonde fall to his knees and lowered his head down iin defeat and cried.

_Why didn't I know about the weight of saddness_

_That comes with breaking up?_

Chekov slowly walked over to Jim and knealed down taking the blonde into his arms trying to hush his cries.

_If you..._

_If you..._

_If it's not too late_

_Can't we get back together?_

Jim grasped the boys yellow shirt tightly hiding his face in the boys chest.

_If you're struggling like I am_

_Can't we make things easier?_

In another room the doctor sat in his bathroom staring at the mirror. The reflection was pitiful and broken. He huffed moving out of the room to dig through the kitchen finding the burning liquid he had been searching for. Popping off the lid, bringing the bottle up to his lips and paused. He moved the bottle to stare at it for a moment before he looked away and threw it across the kitched shattering on the wall. He sighed letting out a choked sob as he his hand through his hair.

_I should've treated you better_

_when I had you..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics like I said are from the song If You by BIGBANG I recommend listening to it whill you read it. That's ch.7 guys. If its way too short I'm sorry, but I've been struggling with this but its what I got and I think it firt perfectly. I don't want to rush nothing cuz im trying to go realistically about the time pace here. Anyways I hope you guys like the chapters and that you'll be around for more to come! R&R let me know what you think guy, thats a rap!


	8. Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They say Kirk was having an affair with Spock... And Leonard found out so he tried to be up Spock." Uhura tried to keep calm, but her nostrils flared and her chest rose and fell rapidly, people standing by took precaution. She glared at the ensigns.
> 
> "Has any part of this rumor been proven true?" Uhura questioned, the ensign backing away in fear.

Days passed aboard the Enterprise. The silent tension the be fell the ship left everyone on edge. No one spoke of what had happened in the doctors office that night, no one questioned it. But rumors were spread and they spun out of control like a spiders web.

"Thay had an affair?"

"A love triangle."

"They slept together?!"

"No way!?"

"What about Nyota?"

She walked by and froze, "What about Nyota?" Gossiping groups going silent as they saw the woman in question come closer with flaming rage in her eyes.

"What about me?" She asked viciously.

"Y- you mean you don't know?" She glared daggers at the younger ensign.

"No, I dont know what your talking about, know what exactly?" The group sent eachother worried glances before they lowered thier heads in fear. Another beave girl spoke up, oddly enough she looked like she could be Carol's little sister, theyshared the same bright blue eyes and blonde hair.

"M- McCoy... They say Spock and McCoy fought over Kirk in the infirmary last week..." She looked between the ensigns curiously eyeing them like a hungry lion.

"What do you mean fought over Kirk? What the hell for?" They wearily backed away from the lieutenant, afraid by what they had to explain.

"They say Kirk was having an affair with Spock... And Leonard found out so he tried to be up Spock." Uhura tried to keep calm, but her nostrils flared and her chest rose and fell rapidly, people standing by took precaution. She glared at the ensigns.

"Has any part of this rumor been proven true?" Uhura questioned, the ensign backing away in fear.

"N- No, no, I don't know! I'm sorry, so sorry! I thought you knew about the rumors!" Uhura sighed in frustration with a click of her heels, she turned and walked away.

Her mind whirled out of control thinking of all sorts of things, and jumbled together into something, ultimately she didn't know what. 'What affair? How long had this been going on? Spock would never cheat on me! Especially not with Kirk of all people!' She huffed out angrily almost tripping on her own heels, not hearing the soft giggle behind her.

"Nyota?" Uhura glared at the direction of the voice but softened once she saw who it was.

"Carol. .. I'm sorry I-" The blonde quickly hushed her and smiled.

"N- no! Don't be, alright? You seem troubled, what's wrong? Trouble in paradise?" Uhura, despite her anger, sighed with a smile.

"You have no, idea..." The girls walked out towards the mess hall, getting some much needed food Uhura's stomach let out a ferocious growl.

"Goodness Ny! Do you have a lion in there? How long has it been since you've last eaten?" Uhura blushed as her stomach growled again.

"Hehe, a while... To be honest I've been so busy I don't even know what to do lately... And then this rumor crap happens, I guess I just haven't had time to eat..."

Carol shook her head disapprovingly. She was a nurse after all and Uhura was her friend, she wouldn't want her friend dying of malnutrition. So she took her hand and dragged her towards the replicators.

"Come on, you got to eat something. I can't have you dying on us now, can we?" Nyota smiled.

"No... Thanks Carol."

Carol smiled picking up a plate taking the replicator besides her. Two slices of pizza and a shared bowl of mint chip ice-cream, the girls sat back laughing. The laughter dying down to quiet giggles. Nyota decided that just maybe this , was exactly what she needed. She smiled happily at the blonde girl sitting across from her.

"Carol thanks, seriously. I needed this." Carol shook her head bringing up her hand to stop her.

"No, don't thank me, it looked like you could use a little fun. But now that you've calmed down some, I wanted to ask you about earlier, what happened to make you so angry?"

Uhura groaned pinching the bridge of her nose. This was exactly what she wanted to get away from and now here Carol was bringing her back.

"Come on Ny, it can't be that bad?" She let out a deep sigh looking away.

"Spock slept with Kirk." Carol chocked on her drink.

"W- what makes you say that?" Uhura huffed out a laugh smoothing a hand over her hair nervously.

"They're saying McCoy and Spock fought over Kirk..." Carol laughed.

"And that lead you to believe he slept with Kirk?" Uhura gave Carol an exasperated look. The nurse scoffed, giving her back an incredulous stare.

"Ny?" Uhura huffed throwing out her arms exaggerating her point.

"Ugh, well what else was I supposed to think carol?" The girls paused looking at eachother and burst out laughing.

"Nyota, I can't believe you right now... Do you really think Spock would do that to you?" Uhura sighed.

"I'm... I don't even know Carol, I'm not sure what to think..."

"Well, I think, you should get all the facts before you start making silly asumptions."

Nyota huffed out in response taking a spoon full of ice-cream stuffing her mouth. She knew she was being silly but she didn't know what else to do. Though, that was a lie. She knew she was being immature by not confronting her lover. Instead she sat there pouting, making herself fat with a second bowl of ice-cream. She groaned throwing her spoon in the bowl and hid her head in her hands.

"Dammit..." Carol chuckled taking the spoon from the bowl.

"You know what you have to do don't you? Get up and stop mopping around and go talk to him."

"Ugh... I know..." Nyota watched as her friend threw away their empty plates.

"Seev you later Ny, and don't foget to speak to that Vulcan of yours! Pointy eared bastard..." They giggled walking in opposite directions.

Uhura dreaded alpha shift, luckily is was only a couple hours long this day. With a deep breath the door of the lift opened and she walked onto the bridge. She looked around the place smiling, despite her irritation, Nyota found herself a little happy to get to work. She may be mad, but she loved her job. Then out of the corner a flash of blue cought her eye. Spock walked right passed her, mouth hung agape staring as she watched Spock make his way passed her and towards the captain.

'What the fuck?' Tjere they stood sharing information without a care in the world with not so much as a 'hello'.

'What the fuck?!' She growled sitting at her station, tightening her hair tie, plopping down on her seat. People turned to stare, she hadn't realized he'd been so loud.

"Uhura?" She cringed at the stupidly cute innocent tone of the blonde.

"What, cap-tain?!" Kirk fell back in his seat blinking sadly.

"I-I'm sorry?" The commander was curious, as to when Nyota had entered the room. As he looked at her he was wondering why she was so angry, there was no excuse for her erratic behavior during alpha shift. Spock simply stood back to observe.

"Sh- Just, never mind... Nothings wrong captain, im sorry..." Kirk still sitting at his seat looked at Nyota with curiosity and sadness.

"Well if anythings wrong-" Uhura viens would have burst as she kept getting angrier at the captains sweet concerned tone of voice. She spun in her seat glaring at the captain.

"Just shut up! Nothings wrong, just mind your own damn business!" Kirk sighed snuggling back into his seat.

"Alright Uhura..." She took her seat noticing Spock was slightly more temse than usual, a strange frown plastered on his face and she sighed knowing that it was her fault. The rest of alpha shift she sat in the unusual dark atmosphere around the bridge, she wondered though, why would Spock be mad at her?

The commander gave a slight nod of his head before he pushed past her and took the seat at his station. Uhura huffed out angrily taking her seat as well. The remainder of the shift was mostly silent. Angrily clicking at her screen and patching through messages. Towards the end of their shift a particular message perked up the captains ear and it gained Uhura's curiosity. Kirk stood from his seat running towards the door.

"Patch me through on private link in the conference room, you're all dismissed."

Uhura noticed how intent Spock was watching the captain leave, like he was secretly worried about who Jim was talking with and it made her angrier and more curious. So she did something that had never occured to her before, Uhura clicked on her ear piece and listened in on the captains conversation.

"Ambassador? I didn't expect to hear from you anytime soon, is something thw matter?" Silence followed after, an awkwardly long awaiting silence.

"No, though a presume, a conflict did insue, did it not James?" Kirk sighed.

"Who told you? Was it Sulu?" Movement could be heard before the elder of the two spoke again.

"I do apologize on his behalf, lieutenant Hikaru means well James-"

"It was not his place to call on such personal matters!"

"Personal matters?! Would it have been better of my younger counterpart to allow Leonard the pleasure to defile your body?!" The room went silent again, heavy breathes from both men comming through the tiny ear piece as Uhura sat covered her ears to hear better.

"I- I'm sorry..." James whispered so low it was almost inaudible.

"James... Are you alright?" The Tone of voice was so loving and gentle like there was a deeper underlying meaning behind the simple words. Kirk's voice cracked with strangled gasps as he tried to speak.

"I... I just don't think I can do this!" The ambassador sighed.

"Oh James... What I would not give to take away your sorrows... But it is a burden you must overcome..." Kirk sniffled before he spoke.

"What if I can't? Selek, I'm scared... I dont think I can do this?" The ambassador sighed.

"Oh James..."

"I don't want to do this... Stupid infatuation... Look at the mess it got me in?!" The ambassador growled, a loud echo pounding the speaker.

"Then end it James!" The pause in the conversation made Uhura blink. The ambassador just yelled at Kirk. The captain had gone silent, probably taking his own time to register what had happened.

"What?" Jim answered curiously.

"End it James. If something so insignificant as this is taking its toll on you, give up! Stay on the side line, watching as another takes your place. Are you capable of that James?! Would you be willing to sit there and watch?!" The silence came again and ended quickly as movement rang through the speaker.

"Can you sit there and watch!?"

"No!" Jim huffed out angrily.

"No... For God's sake, Selek, this burden is a heavy price to pay for loving someone so unattainable... But you have no idea what I've been going through-"

"But I do James, I do know the burden you carry. Did it slip your mind so quickly that you had forgotten who you are in the presence of?" Jim sighed.

"I'm sorry... I didn't think... But it hurts Selek! All these damn dreams, McCoy, hell even Spock! I just don't think I have it in me to do this shit!" Uhuras ears perked up and she listened carefully.

"He's just toying with me... He'll never-"

"Open your eyes James..." The captain was quicly silenced.

"Why do I keep hearing that? Why? What is there to see that I cannot find it? Im sick and tired of hearing that shit! I'm not asleep, my eyes are open! I can see just find!" Another loud bang pouded through the tiny ear piece bas the ambassador spoke agin, Uhura winced at the loud voices.

"Then listen James!" Uhura could hear the captain's raspy breathes throught the tiny ear piece.

"Pay attention, analyze the scene James. You have a sharp mind, I should advise you to make good use of it..." Jim sat silently waiting for the older man to finish.

"But it hurts so much Selek... " The ambassador sighed.

"Then give into the pain... Your emotions, please excuse me Jim, I must take my leave. But consider the words I've said James, Spock won't wait forever... And you surely cannot run forever."

As soon as the ambassador left and the line went dead, Uhura threw her ear piece off like it was on fire. She bolted out of her chair running out of the bridge and into the lift. She wiped away angry tears running down her face glaring at the ceiling.

"Why?!" The only thing she could muster as her anger grew and she stomped her foot punching the panel to stop the lift.

"Why is the ambassador helping Kirk take Spock away from me?!"

The thought rang in her head making her cry harder, sliding down to the floor against the wall to sit on the floor of the lift. Her knees held against her chest as she let out her wails with the sudden realization.

'Spock hasn't spoken to me all week!' She let her head roll back hitting the wall behind her.

"It's not fair... What does he have that I don't.?" Her cries bounced off the walls of the small lift. She hugged her legs closer as her cries became louder, the pain and sorrow audible in her voice.

Uhura had always, in a way, loved the captain. She enjoyed his presence, his charming smile, and joyous aura. She would go so far as saying she that she was prideful of the ships captainn. But jealously was a terrible thing, where love could be turned bitter and ugly with hate. It fueled her heart with a terrible rage, and for the first time, Uhura dreaded and regretted the day she met James Tiberius Kirk.


	9. Listen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Its just you... I just can't get away from you... Everywhere I go, even in my own dreams, I can't get away from you Spock!"
> 
> Jim's lips trembled as he tired to speak through whimpering breath.
> 
> "I... I just want everything to go back to normal... Spock... I'm so tired of you messing with my emotions..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Ok, so I know I half-assed chapter 8, I'm sorry. But I was at my uncle's house and he wont let me work on my writing or touch my phone and it gets annoying! But I got this down as fast as I could and I didn't edit it so I feel terrible. But fear not, I'm working on fixing it after posting this up.

Jim sat in the conference room, the screen had gone black over ten minutes ago. But there he sat starring blankly at the menacing screen. Finally he let out a chocked sigh, slumping back into his seat.

"Gods... What am I supposed to do?"

It had been two weeks since the captain had been avoiding Spock. Any kind of interaction they had was purely business and Kirk refused to acknowledge the pleading stare in the Vulcan's eyes everytime they were together. The last time they spoke the captain basically told him to run back to Uhura and forget anything ever happened, who knew if he even wanted to speak to him now. But the Vulcan kept coming back, that same pleading look written in his eyes, and lips with the same unspoken words. Jim wondered what Spock trying to say exactly.

Jim sighed again as he got up to leave the room thinking that maybe he sould take the ambassador's advice and listen to what the Vulcan had to say. As Kirk turned the corner he bumped into a small blonde girl.

"Carol? I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" She huffed fixing her dress and taking off invisible specks of dust in an irritable manner glarring at the captain.

"Please Mr. Kirk, its really quite alright... Besides, it was my fault as well." Jim flinched at the harsh tone. ' ? What the hell happened to Jim? I thought we were friends?' He came out of his thoughts to question the girl.

"Did I do something wrong? I get the funny feeling you're a little angry with me, I just can't for the life of me, figure out why?" She rolled her eyes givingbhim a plain bored look.

"Why dont you go ask Uhura..." He blinked curiously.

"What? What does Uhura have to do with any of this?" She smirked turning to walk away with a click of her heels and a wave of her hand.

"Nothing, perhaps you should ask yourself what you did to make her angry..." Jim frowned huffing in defeat.

"Why is everyone mad at me today?!"

Kirk stomped away angrily, lately the whole ship was going crazy. Everyone was angry with someone for some unknown reason. Really, it was infuriating. He walked towards a hidden lounge, not many people went there, mainly because it was well hidden. But Jim found it and it became his little spot to go and help clear his thoughts. And as Jim walked through those doors he froze in his tracks. Brown eyes connecting with blue and Jim had to turn away nervously from the piercing gaze. Spock was the last person, he really wanted to see right now, and the same old pleading stare looked sickeningly pathetic and it angered him all the more. Kirk glared as the Vulcan spoke.

"Hello Jim." Jim inwardly groaned as he heard the flat tone of the commander's voice, but there was a slight saddness to it. It made Jim's anger rise knowing he was the cause of that saddnes, his fingers chrling into fists.

"I just can't get away from you..." Spock rose a curious brow to the captain's statement, but Jim was mostly speaking to himself. Spock blinked sadly, the pain evident in his eyes.

"Captain?"

"Don't fucking call me that! I have a name!" Jim's anger spiked hearing the title, he knew his role on the ship, but he hated people, that were supposed to be his friends, call him by his title when they were alone and he certainly didn't like it from Spock.

"My apologies Jim, it was not my intention to anger you..." Jim chuckled.

"There you go with that apologies shit, stop apologizing for everything I don't give a damn about spock! It's just you!" Spock stared at the blonde curiously they walked around the room away from eachother, never coming close, afraid the captain would lash out.

"Its just you... I just can't get away from you... Everywhere I go, even in my own dreams, I can't get away from you Spock!"

Spock watched the captain back away, every step he took, Spock took another one forward. Jim had tear fill eyes, flushed face, nervous trembling hands and cautious steps. The commander slowly advanced as Jim finally touched his back to the wall, with no where to go. Hands held on either side of Jim's head kept him in place, chocolate orbs holding their fierce stare as blue shook with fear. Jim's lips trembled as he tired to speak through whimpering breath.

"I... I just want everything to go back to normal... Spock... I'm so tired of you messing with my emotions..."

Jim's lips trembled releasing tiny whimpers and Spock leaned forward. Hands sliding off the walls to land on Jim's head. Fingers threading through golden locks, bringing thiers heads together. Noses touching, heated breath mixing, lips lightly brushing and Spock could taste the salty tears running down the captain's face.

"Wh- what do you want from me Spock? I can't- I can't tame it anymore... Just tell me something... Anything..."

Spock closed his eyes, he hadn't thought about it before, he didnt know what he wanted from the captain, what exactly did he want from the captain? But recent events called him out on his lies and told him otherwise. Spock knew what he wanted, he needed it, craved it. Like the air he breathed, Jims scent, circulating through his lungs. Like feeding the ever constant gurgling pains of hunger, and Spock couldn't hold back any longer. Spock closed the gap between their lips, teeth clanking, ravishing the blonde with a heated kiss. Everything he felt, all of his entirety poured into that single kiss, and Jim hoped he could feel it. Spock's fingers reached out to Jim's face putting the tips to his meld points, plunging into the depths of the captain's mind. The boys back arched against the wall as a rushing wave of pleasure ran through his body from the meld and Jim gasped.

"Spock~!" Jim could feel the Vulcan's mind tugging against his.

'Jim you have to wake up..." Spock's voice echoed in Jim's mind, the words sparking irritation and spock had to wince in pain from the emotional transfer.

'Why do I keep hereing that?! Im awake!'

'Then try to remember... Look...' Jim's mind was instantly flooded with a familiar scenery of a stone pebble path, cherry blossom trees and luscious green grass and a lake.

'My dream?! How do-' Jim felt guilt and shame passing through their link and Spock spoke.

'I was there Jim...'

'Wha-' Before Jim could question the Vulcan, Jim was face to face with a familiar intimate scene and as he took a closer look around, there in the distance was a crouched hidden figure behind a tree.

'Spock... How? Wh- why?' Spock quickly shushed him.

' Jim... I must know, if I can have your forgiveness... I have done something terrible James... Forgive me...'

A gasp escaped the captains lips as he was attacked with multiple emotions. Anger, confusion, embarrassment, longing, but most of all jealously. Jim watched memories, not his own, invade his mind of Spock leaving his bedroom. Felt the guilty, heavy, determined steps the Vulcan took as he walked the labs of the ship. Trembling hands as they reached for the perfect blossom from the tree. Spock quickly ran from the lab to his room. Jim felt his knees buckle as he waited in anticipation for the next scene and trembled when his questions were answered as Spock placed the flower in the palm of his hand while Jim was asleep.

Jim's knees gave out and he fell sliding against the wall till he hit the floor. Head bowed in what Spock could only define as utter defeat. Spock knealt down besides the blonde, brushing the hair back behind his ear.

"Jim... Forgive me-" Kirk revolted from the commander's touch, growling with anger as he pushed Spock away.

"You fucking bastard! This is all you're!" Spock was left awe struck, he didn't know what to say, indeed it was his fault Jim was in so much turmoil. He wanted to apologize, to say something, anything, but Jim wouldn't give him a chance to speak.

"Do you have any idea what I've been going through?! Why would you mess with me like that, huh?! Did you enjoy your sick joke?! Answer me?!" Again Spock looked away clenching his fists, he knew had done more than hurt the captain.

"Making me feel crazy, confused, what did you think you would gain from this?!"

Then Spock looked up, giving the blonde the same pleading gaze. Chocolate orbs shining with guilt, shame, begging for forgiveness. Jim's eyes moved down to see lips part with a shuttering breath as the Vulcan spoke.

"You..." Jim blinked curiously.

"What?" Spock reached out slipping his fingers through the captains.

"I want you James... I could cross countless universes, meet endless counterparts of myself... Though, I need only one, to show me that, which I did not have..."

It was then that an old familiar tone of voice slipped into his mind, 'Open your eyes Jim... Do not try to understand, do not fight it... Just let it take you... Listen...' Jim looked down at their entwined fingers, and back up to see Spock's face, trying to read behind the usual blank stare. But Spock's face was bare, raw emotion, pained furrowed brows, glossed green tinted eyes and lips slightly frowned and trembled.

"This is isn't a dream..." It wasn't a question as Jim spoke to himself. Looking back up at the Vulcan, nervous fingers brushed back neatly trimmed bangs.

"This... This just isn't real..." Jim gently leaned forward tilting his head, nose lightly brushing against Spock's as his stood slightly on the tips of his toes.

"Spock... Don't move... Just let me do this..."

This time Jim closed the gap, placing trembling lips gently to Spock's in a delicate kiss. For the first time Spock learned what a butterfly kiss truly meant, and indeed the sweet peck felt close to the delicate flutter of a butterfly's wings. Spock stood still letting Jim take control. He closed his eyes as the captain's tongue licked his lips silently asking for access. The commander would comply opening his lips as the tongue slithered in. It was a dance, a fight for dominance, as the kiss deepened. The taste of tea and sugar mixing as they tasted eachother, exploring the dips and curves of velvet flesh. Jim moaned as Spock's hands ran down the blondes back, finger tips traced, sending tiny sparks of electricity making the goose bumps appear on his skin. Quivering breaths escaped Jim's lips as he gently tried to pull away from the commander's grasp.

"St- stop playing with me this... This isnt funny..." Spock flinched moving back to stare at the captain's face in shock. He grabbed the blonde by his shoulders leaning forward , a hurt, and confused expression written on Spock's face.

"You find this funny? Jim my emotions are lain bare, for all that is logic, I cannot fathom why you make such irrational and complex emotions manifest themselves in me!" Jim stood back wide eyed, Spock was yelling, slightly angry andvvery upset.

"But, I do know James... You are my T'hy'la..." Jim blinked fighting back tears, every dream flashing through his mind, and he swallowed dryly at the knot in his throat.

"This isn't happening..."


	10. Ottoke (what can I do?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's not a dream…" he whispered as he walked away and left Spock in the empty hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya, i know this isnt really a chapter, hehe...
> 
> But i accidently split this in half and i dont want to get confused again so just bare with me thank you :D
> 
> *So if you've read the first uploaded version of this you should all be seeing alot of new information and magor re-editing cuz damn this took a while and i hope you all like it alot better it just flows better this time around. :)

Jim blinked back fighting back the stinging tears, every dream flashing back through his mind and he swallowed dryly at the knot in his throat.

"This isn't real…"

Truly, many times Jim had dreamed and fantasized being with the Vulcan intimately, but never could he have imagined what was about to ensue. And found himself thinking for the first time, reality was so much better, something so entirely different and filling then just dreams. Then again, nothing could compare to the intense sensation of Spock's presence actually being there. This time it wasn't a dream, this was no illusion, this time the action was real, and Jim relished in the simplest of touches. The blonde moaned being pushed back against the wall, doors to the lounge locked by the captains override code.

"…Uh, Spock! Ahh~!"

Lips locked in an intense battle for dominance as they kissed hungrily. Teeth clanked and gently nipped at the delicate plump skin of Jim's bottom lip. Spock kissed lower nipping and sucking the captain's pulse. Hands desperately roaming each others bodies trying to get closer and Spock growled finding they were still wearing so much clothing.

"Urrgah! Off!" Spock growled tugging the captain's shirt over his head, instantly biting at the smaller mans exposed flesh.

"F-Fuck Spock… unh- slow down!"

The blonde's hands were now held above his head, Spock savagely biting at his neck, pleasure quickly drained and turned to fear. Jim struggled in the Vulcan's strong hold and whimpered feeling the heated breath against the length of his neck.

"Stop…" Memories of Bones drunken rage filled his thoughts making him feel sick and disgusting. His skin burned with the feeling of every beating, where lips bruised, his limbs ached, hips sore, and he longed to fall freely to the floor where he could rest his aching knees. Jim's eyes clenched tight trying to push the Vulcan away.

"Stop it!" Spock stood confused, brows furrowed as he slowed down his frantic movements still kissing lightly along the captain's neck.

"Have I done something wrong?" Jim whimpered trying to pull away again.

"J-Just get off!"

Spock moved back panting, watching as the other nervously tried to put his shirt back on. Jim's body somehow managing to shrink into itself making him appear smaller and afraid. The blonde looked up nervously, his body now trembling.

"T-Too fast… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get that way- I just… I was too-" Spock chuckled fixing his hair and smiled, and Jim flinched, he actually smiled, too stunning for words to describe. It set his heart flame and Jim felt the odd flutter of butterflies flip his stomach.

"Do not apologize, Jim forgive me for my actions… I should not have pushed you so suddenly…"

Jim smiled, thankful the Vulcan was not angry. He gently pushed off the wall walking towards the commander. The blonde smiled as he ran his fingers through the neatly trimmed pitch black hair. They were both about the same height, but Spock was still the taller of the two. So Jim stood slightly on the tips of his shoes. He leaned forward placing his arms around Spock's shoulders, nuzzeling into his neck.

"Thank you…" Spock relaxed against the embrace, letting their foreheads touch. The guilt he felt moments ago now gone with the simple affection.

"It is not a matter of importance Jim… My only concern is that you are safe…" Jim huffed out a laugh as he moved and walked towards the door. He turned around extending his hand with a nervous smile.

"I'm going to bed now… You're welcome to join me if you'd like?" Spock smiled taking the captains hand walking out into the empty hallway.

"I would like that Jim… Though logic informs me I should take the slow path with you." Jim blushed, but smiled, his blue eyes shining brightly as he looked at the commander.

"I think I'd much rather enjoy the slow path…" In the distance a dark figure clung to the shadows as Spock leaned down to kiss the captain.

"Goodnight Jim."

"Goodnight Spock…" Jim glanced at their intertwined hands, a funny feeling ran up his chest and warmed his heart. He felt the familiar rise of cherry tomato blush and sighed as his fingers slid away slowly from Spock's warmth.

"It's not a dream…" he whispered as he walked away and left Spock in the empty hallway.


	11. Ottoke (what can I do?) part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim was terrified. Sure he happy about his relationship with Spock, but he wondered if maybe things were moving along too fast. Or perhaps not, anymore time wasted and he feared they'd be old by the time a relationship would be established. But at the current moment he couldn't be bothered with negative thoughts.

Continued…

Sticking close to the shadows, the figure watched as Spock leaned down to kiss the captain gently on the lips. The figure stood waiting as they parted ways and ran off as Spock walked in their direction. Spock on the other hand, walked by oblivious to the intruder on his intimate scene with the captain. He hadn't notice a thing too wrapped in his own thoughts to care of stalkers or even think there would be one nearby. Walking with a bounce to his step entirely content and overall happy, he was simply at peace. Despite the recent events that had occurred n the ship, his unexpected encounter with Jim in the lounge had gone rather well, in fact better than he could have imagined.

When Spock heard the familiar swoosh of the opening door, it hadn't occurred to him that the person walking in would be the captain, but as he turned and saw the blonde glaring in his direction, he honestly feared the worst. Had he not been so patient with Jim, things could have gone incredibly worse. But as luck would have it things went remarkably well. So well he finally took the courage to take the captain for himself. No abusive drunk would ever lay his filthy hands on his precious again.

Spock huffed and nodded approvingly at his own thoughts. He paused waiting for the lift to open informing the computer to take him to the labs. Spock thought of the blue eyed blonde as he stood patiently. He thought of Jim's beautiful blues hues, how they shined brighter when he smiled. Jim's beautifully built, but slender figure. The way he carries himself with a charismatic joyful aura and Spock found himself more in love with each and every detail. The Vulcan stood inside the lift tilting his head curiously, wondering when exactly he had started harboring these feelings towards his captain. Spock simply had no idea, there were too many occasions he felt that odd flutter on the side of his stomach, the quick thumping of a rapid heartbeat just by the captain's mere presence. The lift opened releasing the commander into another empty hallway and he walked forward towards his next destination hoping to get some work done. Although, with the endless thoughts running through his head, work was probably the last thing that he would get done.

The commander sighed happily finding his way into the labs. Quickly he set about his work taking little trays and test samples to examine. Before all this madness had occurred Spock had been studying some sort of strange plant they had picked up on a random planet. Either way he was also thankful for the distraction as his experiments were getting him nowhere. He put the tray away moving his chair back slouching; he really couldn't keep himself focused. Something was keeping him distracted.

An odd sense of disturbance, like he was forgetting something extremely important, and then it struck. Uhura. He had completely forgotten his current relationship with the ships head of communications officer. Spock groaned putting his head in his hands. This endless whirlwind of unexpected events was taking its toll on him, he wasn't sure if it was ever going to end. Spock had assumed establishing his courtship with the captain would bring an end to all the madness but on the contrary, perhaps it was just a beginning. He knew one thing for sure; he had to end things with Uhura. Spock dreaded the day like a child feared needles at medical office. Uhura wouldn't be happy; Spock feared she would do something drastically rash to get him back. He wasn't sure who or what he should be afraid of, Uhura's rage or Jim's disappointment if he found out he was still with Nyota.

"Why must there always be an altercation…"

Jim walked inside his quarters slumping against the closed door, his back sliding against the cool metal. He sighed leaning his head back smiling till his cheeks hurt. He felt amazing, overly ecstatic, and it was all because of Spock. The blonde giggled thinking of their kiss, the sweet intimacy of gentle caresses and animalistic rage to claim in the heat of passion. Fingers grasped the gold cloth of his shirt near his heart, feeling the rapid thrumming of his heart beat.

Jim was terrified. Sure he happy about his relationship with Spock, but he wondered if maybe things were moving along too fast. Or perhaps not, anymore time wasted and he feared they'd be old by the time a relationship would be established. But at the current moment he couldn't be bothered with negative thoughts. Jim was too excited with the events that had occurred moments ago. He had to find someone to share the news with, and he knew exactly who he wanted to tell first. The captain quickly scurried off the floor to screen in his living room and hailed for New Vulcan. The screen lit up to reveal a familiar old face, the same loving smile gracing his aged features but Jim thought this man couldn't look more beautiful than when he smiled.

"Hello Jim…" The blonde grinned widely, his name rolling off the man's tongue beautifully.

"Hello Selek!" The older male chuckled hearing the ecstatic tone in Jim's voice, how he missed his captain.

"You seem overly joyous, did something…? Good, happen James?" The blonde giggled mischievously bouncing in his seat.

"Yes! Yes, something amazing happened Selek, I just can't believe it's actually happening!" Selek watched the captain happily, he enjoyed watching the younger like this, it always brought back so many wonderful memories.

"Will you be telling me or must I guess?" Jim laughed nervously a blush spreading on his face as he leaned forward on the couch.

"It's Spock Selek… We, we're finally together! It's actually happening; it's not some stupid dream! Can you believe it?"

The ambassador chuckled feeling a huge wave of relief wash over him. This truly was a joyous event, and he couldn't be happier for the captain. The elder was beginning to think these two would never get the guts to act on their hidden feelings. But finally, time seemed to be a perfect trying and pushing test for them both pulling them towards their destined path. This time he wasn't cheating, he hadn't done anything. Selek laughed seeing Jim's bright red face, the glowing blue oceans of blue shining on his end of the screen. He sighed happily reminiscing old memories; James could never look more beautiful than when he was happy.

Jim stopped laughing realizing the ambassador was staring with an odd smile on his face and he coughed nervously fluttering his eyes with a darker blush on his cheeks. That smile sent his heart racing, it was the same one that Spock gave him in every dream, that same reserved smile that said 'I love you'.

Jim chuckled seeing the elder smile and avert his eyes from the screen slightly embarrassed he had been caught staring. Someday it would be his Spock doing the same thing and Jim realized there would be so much that would happen in the future. So many things that would happen eventually leading up to moments like these, and Jim couldn't wait.

"Don't waste it James… Anything at any moment could happen… Make every second count…" Jim smiled at the screen, his eyes glossy.

"I won't… Will I ever get to physically see you again?" Selek chuckled at the blonde's childish pout.

"Perhaps… If time is willing, it would be a pleasure to see you again." Jim smiled happily taking a pillow from the couch and placed t on his lap.

"Make it soon, I'm not getting any younger here waiting for you."

The ambassador smiled wishing he could touch the beautiful face on the screen, but he had to keep reminding himself this was not his captain. He didn't belong to this version, Selek was gladder of the fact that their relationship could exist in alternate dimension. One last time he smiled he smiled at the blonde.

"I will try my best Jim… Goodnight Captain." Jim smiled.

"Goodnight ambassador Selek."

For the second time that night Jim said goodnight to Spock. He peeled off his clothes settling for bed not bothering to clean up the mess in the room till morning and snuggled beneath the sheets till morning. He excited for tomorrow, he just couldn't wait to tell Sulu. While the captain did sleep well, his dreams had other things in mind as they dragged him off to that same reoccurring dream. The same cherry blossom lake.

[DREAM]

_Jim waited by a tree picking at flower petals till he felt the familiar warmth of lips on his neck. He smiled turning around to see the tall Vulcan behind him._

_"Stop that, isn't it technically cheating now?" Spock sighed still snuggling his face in the crook of Jim's neck._

_"Perhaps not, I thought I told you we are the same?" Jim chuckled pulling away from the others embrace._

_"Alright fine, but I thought I'd be done with this dream crap now that I'm with my Spock. So what now? Why am I still here?" Spock chuckled taking the blondes face gently within his hands._

_"Patience love… This does not concern your courtship with my other counterpart."_

_"Then what's the matter? Why do you look so worried?"Spock leaned forward placing a delicate kiss on the captain's lips moving back to caress his cheek with his thumb._

_"James… I fear something or rather someone may come between you, promise me Jim… You must be strong…" The blonde moved away from the other Spock frowning._

_"Stop it you're scaring me… what's that even supposed to mean Spock? What's going to happen?!" Spock only leaned forward brushing back blonde bangs to kiss his forehead._

_"You musnt let anyone come between you both… This bond cannot be broken…"Jim whimpered in the others embrace._

_"Stop it Spock you're scaring me… Just tell me what's going on?"_

_"The ship's head of communication officer…"Jim blinked curiously._

_"Uhura? What about her?"_

_"It's time to wake up Jim…"_

[END DREAM]

Jim threw off the sheets sitting up in his bed; he rubbed frantically at his blurry eyes and sighed.

"Fucking dreams…"


	12. I know (I Need U)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To say that Jim was happy was an understatement. He was ecstatic, on overload jumping for joy; he still couldn't believe this was real. He was more excited about bringing the news to the rest of his crew, his little family. It wasn't that he was in denial; on the contrary he couldn't see it more clearly even if he wore his glasses. But it was the fact that it was actually happening, the fact that he could easily reach out and hold Spock's hand, the amazing flutter and thrumming of his heart when he looked into chocolate orbs; Spock was his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had anybody else noticed that I hadn't mentioned Scotty once in this story? In all these chapters he hasn't been mentioned and I think it's time we give him the spotlight right guys? I do have a reason why he hadn't been mention… But all in due time my loves. Anyways I think it's time we see some action and step up the game, let's make it dramatic! Hold onto your seats guys it's about to be a bumpy ride! xD

Jim put on the same old Starfleet standard clothes, consisting of one gold shirt and black pants. He smirked into the mirror putting hand through his hair trying to look sexy and sighed at the sad attempt and sighed.

"How the hell am I supposed to look sexy in this? It's not much to fucking look at!"

"I think it looks hot." Jim spun around seeing Sulu sitting behind him on the bed with a huge grin on his face. The blonde frowned not having noticed the pilot walk into his room.

"What the hell are you doing in here so early? Forget that, how did you get in my room?" Sulu laughed at his friends flushed face and angry pout.

"Dude… really? How can I not get in your room? You make it too easy." The captain glared trying to look intimidating to his friend sitting with his legs crossed and hands folded on the bed.

"Funny. I should send your ass to the brig for being such a little smartass to your captain…" Sulu gasped leaning back with a hand gently placed on his chest as he spoke mockingly.

"Ooh~ I'm so frightened, someone save me from the big scary captain~!" Brows twitched in irritation as cheeks became flushed; the poor captain looked like he was turning into a tomato.

"You know you're a little shit sometimes…" The helmsman smiled hugging the captain with a sheepish grin on his face.

"Awe, but you love me! Otherwise you wouldn't have me on this ship."

"I'm contemplating whether or not I should just throw you off now…" Sulu didn't like the sound of that. He frowned getting off the captain with a hurt expression on his face. It was a good try; he wasn't fully anybody with that look, especially not Jim.

"You're so mean to me, how come you don't say stuff like that to pasha?" The blonde smiled walking out with his friend towards the mess hall. His friends could be so childish at times.

"Because he's still a kid, you're a pedo."

"Yah! I'm not a pedo! I swear i haven't touched him!"

"Right... like the groping I catch every once in a while under your stations dont count?"

But they laughed shoving each other down the hall knowing it was a joke. By the time they made it to the mess hall, they were both red in the face from laughter people eating turning to stare at the arriving pair curiously. They giggled quieting down and walked towards the replicator to get some breakfast.

Despite the odd dream, Jim felt himself overly joyous and radiated with a shining glow of happiness it made all by standers gasp and smile. Everyone else in the room immediately brightening at just the mere sight of the captain and Sulu was beginning to notice with a sly smirk on his face. He nudged the blonde in the ribs trying to get his attention.

"What's got you all excited? You practically glowing, you have the whole room on cloud-nine." Jim blushed setting his tray down at a table he covered his face shyly laughing.

"Woah… is it really that noticeable?"

Sulu raised a curious brow as he took a bite out of his bagel. So he was right that the captain was overly jittery, he just had to find out what it was that was making him so excited. He swallowed his bite looking at Jim mischievously, he could think of one reason the blonde could be so happy and it consisted of one pointy eared Vulcan. He cleared his throat watching the blonde sip his coffee happily, till Sulu spoke that is.

"Does it have anything to do with a tall, dark and handsome pointy eared man…?" Jim spit his coffee across the table regrettably spraying at a woman at the table across theirs. Sulu smiled knowingly and watched the blonde apologize to the women. The captain sat back down nervously laughing.

"You're assuming things, nothing happened last nigh-" Sulu smirked and Jim tried hard to cover his mouth from spilling the rest, but too much information was already leaked.

"So something did happen…? Spill! Tell me what happened, I'm dying in suspense!" Jim giggled running his hand through his hair wile fanning his face.

"Well, last night… He and I…"

"You slept with him?" Jim's face scrunched up like he had bit into a lemon.

"No! what are you crazy? Besides, its way too soo for that." The bagel Sulu was eating dropped to his plate and his mouth hung open with wide eyes staring at Jim incredibly.

"Jim, refusing sex? Sex too early for Jim? What the hell, where's my Jimmy and what've you done with him imposter?!" Jim laughed shoving his pilot playfully. He loved days like these where he could easily laugh and have some fun with his friends.

"Don't worry, Jimmy's still here. But this Jim wants to be new and improved and he wants to take it easy with this one… " He paused looking into his coffee thoughtfully, a sweet gentle smile graced his lips and warmed his blue eyes with such a pleasantly happy face, Sulu had never seen the man so happy. Maybe a few times when his relationship with Bones had started, but even then, Jims face had never lit up so brightly at a mere thought. It made him smile himself. Blue eyes looked up with an odd shimmer and a pink hue fell over his cheeks.

"It's Spock Sulu… I really want this one to work… It's so different with him, but it's a little funny… I don't think I even know his favorite color yet, but the truth is he's already known me once before… I just hadn't met him yet…"

"You big sap…" They laughed finishing their food and got up to leave to set about their day.

Despite the overall good things that have been happening on the ship, things had been silent. Or rather some people on the ship were keeping quiet, in fact maybe too quiet. Since the incident in the infirmary a couple weeks back nobody had seen or heard from the ships CMO. Sure he was around if Carol needed something signed, and he played his role as a doctor, but lately he had been keeping rather silent.

Carol walked around the infirmary watching from the corner of her eye as the said southern man walked past and into his office without greeting her. The blonde frowned looking in the direction of the surely locked door of his office. She paused momentarily smelling an almost sweet but alluringly seductive sent. Her brows rose curiously looking in the direction of his office. 'Is he wearing cologne?' Bones wearing cologne was a troubling matter, it just wasn't his style. He just had this sent about him, sure it was intoxicating enough as it is, but cologne was a step too far; something was up. She worriedly swallowed the knot in her throat walking towards the door and knocked.

"M-McCoy?" She waited almost walking away, till she movement and the door opened.

"Yes Carol?" She blushed nervously not expecting him to come out of the room.

"N-Nothing, I was just wondering if you needed anything… you know, before I take my break?" he smiled, a strange sincere warmth to his smile made her flinch. Something was definitely off.

"No thanks Carol, you just go ahead and take the day off, you worked hard last night. Now get out of my office before I make you." Her eyes trailed him around the room, observing the way he moved, going about his work with odd elegance. He glanced curiously in her direction and smirked, she blushed being caught staring.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, I- you seem different… I'm sorry…" he smiled with a slight chuckle.

"Don't be sorry, you did nothing wrong Carol. Different huh? I hope that's in a good way?" he laughed

"W-Well yes of course, it's a good change."

"I hope so… I've quite drinking… Not a drop Carol." She smiled sincerely.

"I'm glad, I think I like you better this way…" he chuckled lightly before walking away, She swallowed at the knot in her throat, tears glossing her eyes as she blinked and walked away.

McCoy had been rather odd lately, but seeing him now back in the office, Carol could tell it was loneliness. Whatever had happened that night, the way Bones is now was the result of that. She hoped that whatever was happened between the captain and CMO would clear itself out, it was awful seeing the doctor so gloomy.

…

…

…

McCoy sat in his office swinging in his chair back and forth. He paused rolling his head back and groaned looking at the time.

"When did my job get this boring…?"

And it wasn't that McCoy thought his job was boring, in fact, he loved his job. But the truth was that it had never been this lonely. There was always somebody in his office bugging him around all hours of the day, a certain blonde clinging to his arm. Blue eyes trailing him around the room with a cute pout on his face begging for attention; then there were the days where he had to take care of the blonde, his allergies always bringing him down to the med wing constantly. Bones smiled fondly at the memories, he missed Jim sitting on the edge of his desk swinging his legs like a child. Jim was often on his mind, and as a result, Bones had tried desperately to quit drinking.

He proudly walked through his office clean and fresh but his substitute for the hard had become something rather carbonated and sugary. Soda was mainly littered around the room, different flavors, but mainly coke. The cups of soda around the med wing weren't alarming since they were always half finished unless, they were cokes. But wherever the doctor went, there would surely be a sweet bubbly substance in his cup. Carol had glared at him as he began to burp around the room freely and well, the occasional flatulence, Chekov would look wide eyed at the doctor and start laughing. It was hilarious, and even Uhura would hear and start to giggle. It made him happy, a face that pretty didn't deserve to be sad. But Uhura's giggle only brought one persons image back to mind and that was Jim. And he was the main reason Bones had tried so hard to quit drinking. Bones sighed taking a sip of the sickeningly sweet carbonated drink, he missed Jim.

…

…

…

Meanwhile, somewhere wondering the halls of the ship Jim sneezed and wiped his nose with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Someone must be thinking about me…"

"And who, might I ask would be thinking of you captain?" Jim blinked and blushed knowing that tone of voice. He didn't want to be caught wiping his snot on his shirt but there he was standing before him in that science blue shirt with a slight smirk on his face, 'Cheeky bastard…'

"S-Spock, hey- Hi! What are you doing? I thought you were working in the labs today with Sulu?" Spock smiled watching the nervous fidgeting blonde, this odd feeling running up down his chest to the side of his stomach where his heart was pounding rapidly form the mere presence of the captain. Spock couldn't help but smile at the odd flutter; he had never felt anything quite this odd when he first met Uhura.

"Sulu had prior engagements to attend to… which now, I find myself at a loss as to what to do with my spare time now." Kirk blinked with a curious raise to his brow.

"Go on…" Spock blushed clearing his throat and lowered himself ever so slightly to Jim's height before speaking, and smirking victoriously as the captain flustered and his breath hitched.

"Might I be so inclined to ask… If you are free this evening…?" Jim stuttered and smiled in a sad attempt to compose himself as the commander pulled away waiting for a reply.

"U-Uh-Umm- yes! Yes I am free! Umm- later? Or actually now! Ya, I'm free now if you wanna- umm ya…" Spock chuckled lightly at the blabbering captain making a complete fool of himself, he had never known the captain to be so shy and it was certainly amusing as he watched the light pink flush on the blondes face turn a deep red.

"Very well then, if it is no tro-"

"Oh no! No, it's no trouble at all!" Kirk scratched the back of his neck nervously before reaching out to lace his fingers through one of Spock's hands and smiled.

"Please, you're not a bother to me at all Spock… but I hope you don't mind if we make a quick stop by engineering? Scotty needs me to sign some stuff before making any updates and repairs to the ship." Spock blushed at the delicate circular notions the captain was making on the palm of his hand with his thumb. The sensation was so odd and foreign, yet extremely intimate.

"Then a visit to engineering we must take."

Jim smiled sheepishly when the commander tightened the grip on his hand and lead him towards the direction of the lift. To say that Jim was happy was an understatement. He was ecstatic, on overload jumping for joy; he still couldn't believe this was real. He was more excited about bringing the news to the rest of his crew, his little family. It wasn't that he was in denial; on the contrary he couldn't see it more clearly even if he wore his glasses. But it was the fact that it was actually happening, the fact that he could easily reach out and hold Spock's hand, the amazing flutter and thrumming of his heart when he looked into chocolate orbs; Spock was his. Jim knew it wasn't some sort of illusion, that it wasn't another trick from his dream, this was real. There was so little time and so much to discover, so much to do together and he wanted to spend every last second of this life with Spock. And as Spock stared back at twin crystal orbs, he could feel the slight shift in gravity. Could feel space expanding and the rotation of every planet spinning, the speed the ship was going at and it was truly fantastic. The bright smile the blonde gave him sending him on a volcanic eruption in the pit of his heart, a massive explosion of clustering stars when he saw that beautiful smiling face, Spock knew Jim was the one.

Around the hall where the pair walked by standers whispered, girls cued, and others were simply taken aback unable to speak as the hottest men on board walked passed into the lift holding hands. Chekov just walking out of a room smiled seeing how happy his friend looked giggled and jumped for joy. But everyone was left awe-struck, the captain and commander where dating and one question floated around the room but unsaid; what about Uhura?

…

…

…

The captain stood in the lift and blushed remembering the incident, the sudden erotic kiss Spock had stolen the night he fought with McCoy. Spock had obviously remembered too considering the tips of his ears were turning green. The blonde grinned widely.

"You're ears turn green when you're nervous?! I didn't know that happened! Can I-" the captain stopped himself before his hands reached out to touch the pointy ears but Spock understood and gave a slight nod of his head shyly.

"C-Can I touch your ears…"

Jim swallowed dryly as he reached out, delicate fingers lightly stroking the tips of Spock's ear turning an even darker shade of green. The warmth of Jim's touch sent a shiver down his back making him bite his lip to stop the rising moan and the captain noticed. He made point to save the information for later and only giggled when Spock frown as he pulled back his hand. As the lift came to a stop they cleared their throats before stepping out into the mess of scattered engineers running about the place.

"Come on Spock, live a little!" The commander blinked when Jim slapped his arm and ran away laughing. Spock of course worried, seeing all the things going around the room this was hardly the place to play a game of hide and seek. The other ensigns laughed as they watched the commander nervously chase after Jim. Scotty looked up from a part he was repairing to smirk knowingly at the pair running towards the opposite direction. He sat back in a seat nearby and laughed at the commotion they were causing, but it didn't matter everyone else seemed to be enjoying the chase.

"Fat load of good those two are, jus' comin' down 'ere to make a mess of things- and where's my sandwich!?" He looked around the room to see his little rocky companion setting on a large piece of equipment and frowned. "Oi! Get down!"

As Scotty watched the pair run around the place he kept eagle eyes on Spock. He hoped the Vulcan wasn't toying with the boys' emotions, Jim looked so happy with the commander and Scotty wondered if whether he was blind because he seriously couldn't see what Jim would want with an emotionless wreck who probably couldn't smile even if his life depended on it. But that's when he saw it and Scotty dropped the tools he was holding and took off his goggles to stare. There across the room from them, in the far back Spock was smiling. It was no ordinary smile for everyone knew, the Vulcan had no emotions, but Spock was smiling. Both staring at each other inches away, Jim was sitting on an outer shell of an engine part while Spock slowly lead by the gentle tug of Jim's hands to settle between the captain's legs. A sparking gleam their eyes reflected under the lights as they looked at each other in that same sweet way couples looked at each other in Disney movies. Scotty could tell in that moment they couldn't see anything but themselves in that space.

Someone tried to get Scotty's attention and he quickly smacked their hands to keep shushing them away. It was curiosity that took over as he strayed closer to the pair to watch. Observing how they interacted, how they moved and Jim leaned down to close what little gap they had left and kissed the blushing Vulcan. Scotty couldn't believe his eyes because yes, Spock was blushing, and Jim was happy; but the question popped in his head, what about Nyota? And Everyone went silent as something fell and shattered on the floor. Scotty came out his thoughts to swallow thickly when he saw the stiff figure of the woman herself. There a couple steps behind him stood Nyota with glossy eyes and quivering lips, hands fisted at her sides trying not to cry. Both men froze pulling apart to stare at the lieutenant, as they shared glances across the room, people stayed silent because now everyone knew, now everyone could see Uhura was there, and now she knew the truth.


	13. Beautiful Liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It doesn't work like that Spock; you can't have both of us at once… You have to make a choice Spock… who's it going to be, me… or her?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The title is from the song 'Beautiful Liar' by [LR], a sub Kpop group of VIXX.

_[Last Time]_

_It was curiosity that took over as he strayed closer to the pair to watch. Observing how they interacted, how they moved and Jim leaned down to close what little gap they had left and kissed the blushing Vulcan. Scotty couldn't believe his eyes because yes, Spock was blushing, and Jim was happy; but the question popped in his head, what about Nyota? And Everyone went silent as something fell and shattered on the floor. Scotty came out his thoughts to swallow thickly when he saw the stiff figure of the woman herself. There a couple steps behind him stood Nyota with glossy eyes and quivering lips, hands fisted at her sides trying not to cry. Both men froze pulling apart to stare at the lieutenant, as they shared glances across the room, people stayed silent because now everyone knew, now everyone could see Uhura was there, and now she knew the truth_.

…

…

…

_[Continued…]_

Nyota stood there for as long as she could, her eyes stinging, knees buckling and her knuckles cracked from how hard she had them fisted. But instead of yelling and starting a commotion she turned around and walked away. Her body straighter than Spock's could ever be; more rigid and tense as she walked off with her head held high. Jim's worries only grew because he had expected something to like this to happen and he sighed not even wanting to look at the Vulcan as he slid off whatever he was sitting on making his way towards Nyota. Spock reached out grabbing the captain's arm but the blonde pulled away angrily.

"Jim wai-"

"No Spock, you wait! That was a stupid and childish thing to do, even more so for you Spock… Did you really forget to break it off with her or were you just too afraid to do it?"

Spock stared at the blonde unable to answer him; he had nothing to say, he knew what he did was wrong. He felt stupid because it was the simplest task, too simple, except it wasn't. Spock and Uhura had been together through the academy, they knew each other, they had been together s long it never occurred to the Vulcan they would part. As to everyone else around them they seemed perfectly matched, but over time Spock opened his eye and he began to see, he was not truly happy, and they were not perfectly matched. But that wasn't the problem at hand. Nervous eye quickly scanned the room for anything, anything that could change the subject, a way to escape, something so he didn't have to see Jim's angered face. The captains face became the single most beautiful thing in existence for Spock, but it would become a face he would fear; because the tears that stained his face were because of his stupid mistake.

Jim sighed waiting for a reply and looked down knowing he wasn't getting one. Spock was still staring blankly around the room looking for something to say but his eyes kept falling down on the blonde. The broken feeling in the pit of his stomach making him want to gag in disgust at the hurtful gaze in Jim's deep blue eyes.

"Ji-"

"Don't… Did you really think she wouldn't find out? Or was it me you wanted to keep hidden because you were ashamed of us?" Spock panicked and went blank because this wasn't supposed to happen; things were spiraling out of control.

"No wai-" but Jim shushed hi again, not allowing him the chance to speak.

"It doesn't work like that Spock; you can't have both of us at once… You have to make a choice Spock… who's it going to be, me… or her?"

When Spock finally was about to speak it was too late because Jim had already ran off and surely he had no intention of following him for fear of the consequences, just look at what already happened. It could be so much worse with both Uhura and Kirk coming at him like the oncoming storm. But it was enough trouble he had caused for one day, he had to fix this. Before the rest of the crew came and killed him for hurting their precious captain and prayed for whatever superior being watching from the sky to protect him from Sulu's wrath. Spock took off in a sprint before anyone had a chance to speak. Scotty stood at the center of the room and let out a huge sigh of relief and laughed because he hadn't expected the dramatic show.

"I love this ship!"

…

…

…

Jim ran down the hall turning in both directions to find Uhura running to the left and into the crowd of people.

"Uhura Wait!" The lieutenant kept walking felling the burning tears pool over her face and fall, she was so ashamed of not having more control over her own emotions. She wanted to stop and beat the living crap out of the captain but what good would it do? It definitely wouldn't bring Spock back.

"Please, Uhura wait!" Jim reached out grabbing her arm and she growled tearing it away from his grasp. She spun around hissing in pain from the burning on the skin on her arm.

"What! What it is it that you want?!" Jim slowly backed off, he didn't want to fight Uhura and a crowd was already forming. He knew that she was upset but he wanted to try and clear things with her, they were supposed to be good friends.

"Please Ny, this isn't my fault… I-" Uhura laughed throwing her head back and Jim grew terrified because for the first time she was scary, she sounded crazed.

"You what? You didn't know?! Please Kirk, save me the theatrics! Are you happy now? Did you get what you wanted? I'm the laughing stock of the ship, my boyfriend, Spock, cheating on me with another man! And not just any man, no- it just had to be you captain!" she wiped angrily at the falling tears glaring back at Jim trying to keep up her intimidating stance. But all Jim could do was swallow dryly.

"You of all people! James fucking, T Kirk! Sexy, alluring, flamboyant playboy! You're nothing but a slut!" Jim stumbled back as she huffed angrily and laughed at the blank expression on the captains face, he really had nothing to say. After all, everything she said was true. "Ooh, what now? Cat's got your tongue…? The truth hurts don't it captain… And you're nothing but a fucking coward…" the sharp intake of breath was the only sign that Jim was still paying attention, the tears evident in his eyes as he listened on staring at the ground unable to stare at the face of his crew. It was an embarrassment, a shame and it was all true.

"I… I'm so… I'm sorry…" It was the only thing Jim could muster out, and it came out much more gentler than a whisper that it was almost inaudible. Eyes blinked letting his own tears fall freely. But Uhura laughed and smiled menacingly, she could be so cruel sometimes, but he never thought she would be this bad.

"I'm sorry…" Uhura laughed louder and spun oddly on her heels almost as if she was in a drunken state.

"I don't think so Kirk… You could never be sorry, you don't even know the meaning… You couldn't possibly begin to feel sorry, but when I'm through with you, then you'll feel sorry…"

Uhura then turned and walked away finally letting the captain release a breathe he hadn't realized he had been holding and fell to his knees. The crowd around the room gasped and went into a fit of whispers and shouts but no moved to help the captain, no one dared to inch their way closer and see if the man was alright. Jim sat there huddled on the floor, knees bent and tucked into his chest. There was nothing left to say or do what could he say when everything was true. It shameful and humiliating, but it was different now, he had changed. And how would he seem to his crew, would they still respect him? He couldn't move, couldn't breathe, he felt the weight of the world collapsing, tumbling down on his shoulders. He could here footsteps coming up behind him and cringed not wanting to know who those feet they belonged too. And then they stopped right behind him and Jim clenched his eyes shut afraid but the longer he waited for impending pain none came. Instead a gentle hand came down to rest on the captains' shoulder.

"Jim… Come on Jimbo, lets go…" Curious eyes opened to blink up at the person before him, breath hitched at the sight of hazel eyes and Jim almost cried.

"Leonard…"

He let himself be pulled up into a quick embrace and walked away. People stared and whispered quietly, because really there was nothing to say, and there was no reason to point fingers because they were all at fault. In the safety of the lift Jim blinked realizing who was in the tiny space with him and he backed up against the wall terrified and hyperventilating.

"Le- Let me out! I want to get out!"

"Jim calm down, I'm not going to hurt you!" Bones tried reach out for Jims' hands but it only made him more frantic slapping and screaming in a fit of panic.

"NO! Let me out!"

"JIM!"

All went silent as Bones slapped the captain across the face; both stood panting, wide eyed staring at each other. They hadn't realized the lift had stopped till it opened to reveal two people standing nervously outside waiting for them to leave. The both lowered their gaze and walked out neither speaking a word till they were out of sight and Jim spun around to glare angrily at the CMO.

"Don't think this makes up for anything Leonard. I didn't need you back there I was fine on my own-"

"Ya cause having a panic in the middle of the floor counts as ok, a thank you would be nice too you know." Jim groaned turning away from the southern man.

"Shut up and just go…" Bones sighed placing his hands on his hips.

"Look Jim… I'm sorry. I know anything I say or do won't make up for all the crap I put you through, but don't torture me like this Jim… I'm trying here." The blonde scoffed throwing his hands in the air.

"You're trying! Trying what, to get me back? Lock me up in my room; get jealous whenever my friends even look at me? Or beat me to pulp again?"

"It's not like that Jim! I've changed! I've stopped drinking, I'm cleaned up I'm!" Jim's nostrils flared breathing heavily trying to keep himself calm.

"It doesn't change anything Leo… This… Us… It can't happen again… It just can't…" Jim started walking away but stopped for a brief second.

"Thanks… For helping me out back there…"

Bones nodded watching the blondes back move further and further away until he was gone. The painful pang of guilt and shame crawling up his skin and burned like acid. He knew it would take a long time for Jim to look at him without fear, but he couldn't stop trying. Bones knew that somewhere deep inside Jim still loved him and he saw it when Jim looked up at him from the floor and hugged saved him. There was still a chance, it was slim, but it was his only chance, one shot to fix things.

…

…

…

Spock stopped running once he reached the labs bending over to rest his hands on his knees panting. He stood up blinking curiously unable to understand how everything had gone out of control so quickly. One second he was happy and the next he dying and wallowing in his own stupid mistake. He spun around angrily punching the wall making a large dent in the metal lining of the walls breathing heavily. Why couldn't he break up with Uhura? Why didn't he take care of things sooner? The questions spun in his head making him dizzy and more angry because it was such a stupid mistake. There was only one thing left to do, he had to fix things.

He walked to one of his stations sitting down on the chair. Elbows on the table and hid his face in his hands pulling at his hair, groaning loudly. Spock jumped hearing giggling behind him almost falling out of his seat.

"Hello Kamander." T he boy continued to laugh and finally Spock knew as he saw his reflection on one of the black screens of the computers. He looked like shit. He had bags under his eyes and his hair was sticking in all sorts of directions.

"Chekov…" The boy smiled walking to another seat beside the commander, and sighed.

"You look like shit…" Spock scoffed hiding his face on his folded arms on the table.

"It is understatement…" the boy laughed again before placing a gentle hand on the commanders' arm and patted him lightly.

"Ewerytzing vill be fine… Jim is understanding, but Sulu… Not so much. You can still fix this." Spock blinked curiously, when had Chekov become helpful and understanding, when had he gotten older? But the Vulcan smiled because the boys words were true.

"And if Jim really loves you, he vill listen." Chekov leaned forward to fix Spocks' messy hair, brushing it down with his fingers. When he was finished he stood back to see his finished worked and smiled.

"There. Now go get the captain or Sulu will kick your butt."

Spock blinked before tilting his head with a smile and nodded leaping form his chair and bolting towards the lift. He had to fins his captain. Sure enough soon after the commander left Sulu came storming through the labs with a katana in hand and Chekov had to fight back a fit of laughter and an angry samurai wannabe.

Spock ran through the hall like a man on a mission. Brows furrowed in deep concentration and eyes staring straight ahead trying to find his destination. He took a left turned bumping into other ensigns standing around mumbling apologies as he left them stunned on the floor. They were on a ship, it wasn't like Jim could really stray far he'd have to cross him sooner or later. After a few turns Spock froze to stand a few feet away from the blonde arguing with their very own CMO. The commander panicked; what if they got back together because of his mistake? But his worries only steeled and grew curious at the scene before, because yes he had just seen the two rather close together, but Jim pushed away and started yelling. It was loud enough to catch pieces here and there when their voices rose.

Spocks pride jumped for joy when hear pieces of the conversation _"Don't think this makes up for anything Leonard!"_ and _"You're trying! Trying what, to get me back? Lock me up in my room; get jealous whenever my friends even look at me? Or beat me to pulp again?"_ Those words coming from the blondes lips were each tiny victories because it meant he had no intention of getting back with the doctor. When the blonde finally turned and walked away Spock took his chance to approach and come out of the shadows. He walked with great posture, held high proudly and bounce to his step as he passed the CMO. He would have stuck out his tongue and laughed too but that was plain childish, after all hadn't he won already? Bones glared watching the Vulcan walk by with a smug look upon his face huffing without a word and walked away.

…

…

…


	14. Lost Complex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I can't help make your decision for you Spock… It's not fair… I know what I want, but you Spock? You've been with Uhura so long, how can you be so sure that i- it's not just some… Stupid infatuation?" Spock tried not to sigh or show any emotions on his face because he understood what he had to do. The commander only hoped to somehow let their relationship fade, but things didn't work like that. Uhura saw them together, there was no hiding it, the whole ship probably knew by now.

_[Last Time…]_

D _on't think this makes up for anything Leonard. I didn't need you back there I was fine on my own-"_

_"Ya cuz having a panic in the middle of the floor counts as ok, a thank you would be nice too you know..." Jim groaned turning away from the southern man._

_"Shut up and just go…" Bones sighed placing his hands on his hips._

_"Look Jim… I'm sorry. I know anything I say or do won't make up for all the crap I put you through, but don't torture me like this Jim… I'm trying here." The blonde scoffed throwing his hands in the air._

_"Torturing you...You're trying! Trying what, to get me back? Lock me up in my room; get jealous whenever my friends even look at me? Or beat me to pulp again?"_

_"It's not like that Jim! I've changed! I've stopped drinking, I'm cleaned up I'm-!" Jim's nostrils flared breathing heavily trying to keep himself calm._

_"It doesn't change anything Leo… This… Us… It can't happen again… It just can't…" Jim started walking away but stopped for a brief second._

_"Thanks… For helping me out back there…"_

_Bones nodded watching the blondes back move further and further away until he was gone. The painful pang of guilt and shame crawling up his skin burned like acid. He knew it would take a long time for Jim to look at him without fear, but he couldn't stop trying. Bones knew that somewhere deep inside, Jim still loved him and he saw it when Jim looked up at him from the floor of the hall and hugged him like his life depended on it. There was still a chance, it was slim, but it was his only chance, one shot to fix things._

_..._

_..._

_..._

_Spocks pride jumped for joy when he heared pieces of the conversation. Those words coming from the blondes lips were each tiny victories because it meant he had no intention of getting back with the doctor. When the blonde finally turned and walked away Spock took his chance to approach and come out of the shadows. He walked with great posture, head held high proudly and a bounce to his step as he passed the CMO. He would have stuck out his tongue and laughed too but that was plain childish, after all hadn't he won already? Bones glared watching the Vulcan walk by with a smug look upon his face huffing without a word and walked away_

_[Continue…]_

Bones stomped back to his office, an angry scowl set on his lips as he glared and kicked everything in his path.

"Fuck!"

To say he was angry was an understatement; if looks could kill the room would have set aflame from his fiery glare. His feet kicked the edge of his desk as he came around to flop down on the chair with an irritated grunt. Fingers came up to pinch at his lips in thought as his eyes scanned the room like a hungry animal. He was starring off into space thinking about what had just happened in the hall and the mere memory only minutes ago boiled a tremendous amount of hate within his veins. _Spock_. The name alone made him growl slamming his fist down upon the desk.

"Thickheaded, self-absorbed, bastard!"

Leonard tried hard to contain his anger but the intimidating smirk smeared across the commanders face set his mind on fire and boiled the blood that ran through his veins into poison. Everything about Spock set Bones on a rampage. His great posture, his height, and long features; Perfect hair, dark and perfectly cut. The odd elegance when he moved going about his work and the way his eyes never strayed from the task at hand; his perfectly beautiful pale complexion and dark chocolate orbs kissed with honey drops. It pissed Leonard off so much that he knew he could never compete with Spock, something, someone so perfect and elegant; he wouldn't stand a chance.

He stifled a laugh leaning back in his chair, looking too calm and peaceful. Without warning he stood up throwing the contents of his desk across the room breathing heavily. The CMO slumped back onto his seat in defeat. His hands clutched at his hair and pulled trying to get rid of the oncoming headache. The words that Jim said echoed in his head and he muffled a chocked sob trying to control his emotions. Things had been so much simpler then, so much happier and full of promising future, but without Jim; Bones didn't want to live. What was the point?

Determined hands wiped away at the hateful tears and took out a small photo of Jim and a five year old Jo-Jo. He stopped holding onto his ex-wife's photo after their relationship became serious and Jo didn't mind that Jim wasn't really her uncle; she was a clever girl who could not be easily fooled. Bones smiled at the photo wanting nothing more than to have both running into his arms one day with loving smiles and kisses, a strange but perfect little family. He tucked the photo back into its hidden pocket within his wallet, new found strength and determination gained after the quick glace at the photo.

"Alright Spock, you wanna play? Then let's play…"

…

…

…

Spock slowly walked behind the captain, the blonde walking with no apparent agenda; it seemed he hadn't even noticed the commander behind him. Then the blonde stopped curiously examining the floor or his shoe, the commander couldn't tell and continued walking again. As theyturned the corner, again the captain stopped to examine whatever he was looking at and started walking again. The commander almost smiled in amusement closing his eyes for a fraction of a second and he stopped with a soft grunt as he bumped into the smaller man.

"You can stop pretending to be sneaky." Jim stood staring at him with a cute angry pout, arms folded over his chest, weight on one leg while the other stretched out a step beside him and the commander couldn't hold back the small smirk that curved the edges of his lips.

"What's so funny?!" The blonde tries to be an intimidating captain but his posture was impossible to take serious and a chuckle left the commanders lips leaving the blonde flustered and red.

"You remind me of my mother…" Jim's cheeks turned a deeper shade of red

"Sh- Shut up! Don't think this means I've forgotten already, I'm still mad at you…"

Spock sighed but there was still a smile on his face, on odd sparkle to his eyes trying to voice out the adoration behind them. Jim frowned when he saw the look, and turned around with his nose sticking towards the ceiling.

"How long will you try to elude me?" Jim only huffed pointing his nose higher, the commander couldn't help smile once again, the captain could be such a child at times.

"As long as I want, until you've come to a decision."

Spock's throat went dry and he fought trying to swallow. Jim must have heard it because he sighed and his posture relaxed. He turned around looking at the commander, breath faltering as he stared into beautiful blue orbs, the blondes hands came up to brush down black messy bangs, Jim smiled thinking it was because of him. Spock tried to lean into the touch but Jim pulled his hand back with a sad smile.

"I can't help make your decision for you Spock… It's not fair… I know what I want, but you Spock? You've been with Uhura so long, how can you be so sure that i- it's not just some… Stupid infatuation?" Spock tried not to sigh or show any emotions on his face because he understood what he had to do. The commander only hoped to somehow let their relationship fade, but things didn't work like that. Uhura saw them together, there was no hiding it, the whole ship probably knew by now.

"You have to choose Spock and we won't do it for you… If we're going to do this I want to it to be the right way…" Jim leaned up to leave a light peck to the commanders lips before turning and walking away with a soft sigh. Spock watched until the captain disappeared.

As Jim turned another corner he bolted for the lift and locked himself inside. His heart pounding in his chest and stinging tears trying not to fall Jim swallowed the knot in his throat to compose himself. When the lift stopped and opened Jim stepped back into the shoes of a proud and noble captain.

…

…

…

Uhura ran blindly, tears blowing behind her, eyes clenched tight fighting to hold back the threatening whimpers. Her heart was pounding in her ears, feet running on adrenaline, and she barley noticed when she crashed into someone. Quivering lips failing miserably at mumbling apologies and she unconsciously tried to seek comfort to body before her.

"Nyota! Oh my god, are you alright? What's happened? I've never seen you like this!" Uhura knew that tone of voice and she wailed uncontrollably feeling safe as she threw herself into the persons embrace.

"It's all true Carol! Jim did it; he took Spock away from me! What am I going to do?"

The woman blinked curiously stroking her friends back as she cried. Carol wasn't blind, she knew what was happening but Carol figured things would break off easily. Uhura had been spending so little time with the Vulcan they seemed to be falling apart anyways. The blonde sighed looking down at her friend wondering when things started getting so complicated on the ship. Everyone used to be so close like family but now everything was falling apart, she only hoped all this pain lead to something great in the end.

"Nyota, come on… You're tougher than this, stop crying and think about things for a second…" Uhura sniffled standing away from her friend to wipe away her tears and fix her dress. Carol gave her a bright sympathetic smile and the lieutenant couldn't help returning a sad smile leaning her head back to stop more tears from falling with a sigh.

"There now… I know this must be painful Nyota, but take a step back and look at things. Think about how long you've been together, all the good, all the bad, wasn't it beautiful?" Uhura wiped away the stray falling tears trying to hold her smile and nodded.

"I know it might sound harsh, but maybe this was for the best? Look at Spock Nyota… Did you ever once stop and see the way he looked at Jim?" Nyota stayed silent looking at the floor beneath her feet but carol continued on with a sigh.

"I know you're not stupid… and I know that's why you've been trying so hard to keep him chained to your side, because you can't stand the fact that you're losing him to Starfleet's golden boy…" Carol smiled as Nyota's face scrunched up with bitter hate at the mere mention of the captain. She knew it was a little harsh, but Nyota had to know, she had to make the lieutenant see.

"If you really love him Ny… You'd see… You'd let him go, for him and for you… Because I know how much this has been killing you over the years… just let him go Nyota…" Uhura gasped choking on a sob and spun on her heels screaming.

 **"NO!"** She took off running in a sprint, her hair almost slapping Carol in the face if she hadn't stepped back.

"He can't have him! I won't let him! Spock belongs to me!"

Carol was left standing in the hall starring after the lieutenant, she didn't bother running after her. This was something Uhura had to do on her own. The nurse ran a hand through her hair sighing again as she looked once more in the direction Uhura ran to and walked away with a pitiful chuckle.

…

…

…

Jim sat alone in his room pulling at his hair while muttering every foul word he could think of to himself until a sudden beeping made his stop. Someone was trying to contact him through the comms. Groaning loudly he flopped back into his couch as the link opened to hear a familiar voice.

"Sulu? What is it?"

"Umm… Well, it's the ambassador captain…" Jim blinked curiously.

"What about the ambassador?" There was movement on the bridge before he heard the Asian man speak again.

"Sulu…?"

"He's docking our ship sir…" Jim jumped out of his seat with wide eyes.

"What do you mean he's docking our ship? Why didn't anyone tell me about this?!"

The speaker went silent again and Jim pulled at his hair trying not to loose his mind. He could hear his crew whispering around the bridge but it wasn't at all audible and he figured Sulu must have muffled the sound with his hand so Jim wouldn't hear what they were arguing about on the bridge. His face turned red and he threw his hands up in irritation and defeat with a loud groan.

**"Will somebody please tell me what's going on?!"**


End file.
